And now you have inflicted a suffering that will haunt me for a long time. If it hadn’t started, even as a joke, I never would have grown these feelings. No matter how I try to stop them, no matter how I try to pretend they don’t exist, I get slapped by reality as I caught myself thinking about you (and smiling). That’s not right. That’s the time when I realized that it has somehow affected me. That even though I’m putting all my defenses up and putting up this front of having a cold heart, you have somehow got past through it. Almost, but not quite there yet.
So before everything will come to it’s worst (like being awkward with each other), I will stop this. I will do everything to take these, whatever this is in my heart, out.
Just like now. It has been a bit of a long time since we last saw each other. I admit that I miss you. But it’s obvious that you’re creatig this distance. And this ‘distance’ hurts me. And I don’t want it to hurt me. I don’t want aything you do or say hurt me or affect me in any way.
So I carry this struggle. And as long as I have this I will remain to have my walls up.