So, I’m currently walking. At school. Alone. And walking towards the opposite way. Everyone else are going out while I’m walking in because I have to go all the way at the other end of the school because that’s where my mum and I will meet.
So imagine the awkwardness as I go against the flow. Imagine the looks I get as I squeeze my way through and against the crowd. Maybe that’s why I decided to write a blog entry. A rubbish bloody entry just because I feel weird about this.
So now I’m at the part of the campus like literally no one’s around. And it’s a bit dark. And I freaked out for a second there because there were dogs on the road. And oh my good lord, I’m practically alone in this part of the school. It’s 9:30 in the evening. Imagine walking alone along the dim lighted pathway. From going against the crowd to walking alone.
I’m starting to talk none sense now. Finally, I’m now out of the school. I’m ought to go through a narrow-ish pathway again until I reach the main road.
I feel sweat running down my back. I’m in a tropical country by the way, so unless it’s raining hard, it wouldn’t still be a cold night. But that’s okay, I’m burning calories right now. I’m burning the mini pizza I ate earlier.
Just in time, when I was about to cross the street my mum called because she’s at the end of the road already.
So this is the end of the account of my mini adventure tonight so, yes, good night mates!
There are days that I just feel that I’m so fucking ugly that I wanna kill myself. Today is one of those days. I wish people wouldn’t be so tackless. I wish people wouldn’t call or describe a person by his/her biggest insecurity. That person may not know about it and just said it innocently or without any intention to offend, but damn, sir, you hit me with the sharpest sword and stabbed me ever so slowly so deep in me deeper than my soul. Thank you.
I don’t wear nice clothes everyday, or powder my face or wear pink lipstick to impress others. I want to impress myself. I do the things I want to do because I do it for myself, not for anyone else.
When I was younger, I struggled with my self-confidence. I wasn’t the typical pretty girl that guys usually fall for. I didn’t have the pale skin that most of the guys prefer. I was a shy, timid, introverted and didn’t think of myself as much. I always thought that no guy would ever like me.
As grew older, I realize that I wouldn’t be truly happy if I continue that way of thinking. I wanted to be free and an unexpected tragic event gave me the chance to be free and to alter my perception of myself. It took time for me to realize what a blessing in disguise that was.
Due to that tragedy, I learned how to lift myself up, cheer myself up and to protect myself. I became stronger. I learned how to put more value to myself because I realized that it was up to me and up to me alone how much I want to value myself.
I started to embrace myself more. There are still times that insecurities lurk in my mind, but that’s normal. I just have to remind myself that whatever insecurites I have, they don’t define my whole being.
I’m still not the prettiest girl around and I still don’t have the sexiest body that most guys want. But I’m okay with it. I don’t dress nicely, fix my hair and wear powder and lipstick to make guys fall for me.
I do it because I want to fall more in love with myself.
As you read this you may think of me as narcissistic, but I think it’s important for all of us to appreciate and love ourselves first before we accept love from others and give love to others. 🙂
To a friend that may never read this:
I have been friends with you for almost half my life and, honestly, I want for it to last a lifetime. We’ve been through a lot. We had a lot of petty fights, alliances against other friends, our share of naughtiness and a lot more. I can truly say that we are really best friends.
But I can’t just ignore the changes I’ve noticed whenever we see each other. It’s like you’re a different person every single time. You show me a side of yourself that I’ve never though I’d see in you. At first I thought that it’s normal because we’re adults now and somehow starting to find ourselves. And then I thought that maybe you jist adapted some ways from your college friends. I was trying hard to understand you and accept you for who you’re becoming, even when we were younger.
It’s okay to change, my friend. It’s the only constant thing in this world anyway. But, my friend, change for the better not for the worse. Sadly, the changes I see gets worse and worse. I’m not saying that I’m perfect, that I’m better than you because I’m not. But I try to be good. At least I try to be. For you right now, it’s like the bad is the new good. The good actions and words I try to do in my life it’s like you’re making me see them as a bad thing. That’s why I’m not comfortable in sharing that part of my life to you because I feel like you’d laugh at me or mock me.
I know that you are strightforward and don’t sugarcoat things much but there’s a difference between being straighforward in a constructive, respectful way and being tackless, self-centered bitch. Lately, you’re being the latter. (I’m not calling you a bitch. It’s a verb. You know, what bitches do)
I don’t know what to say to you anymore because you’re old enough to be responsible with your actions. I still love you because you are my friend but I don’t like what you’re becoming.
Find your way back, my friend. Find your way back. And if there will come a time you’ll realize everything, I’ll be here to help you. You are not like this. You are a good person. I believe you are.
And now, it’s your turn to believe it too.
What is it with you that makes me feel light inside, that makes me feel young and invincible and free, that makes me feel safe and trustful, that makes me ask myself, “Why the hell not?”.
Why the hell not? Because you probably don’t feel the same. That’s the problem now. My problem. Not yours. It’s always been one-sided thing for me. Always. You’re not an exception.
The bloody semester is officially over!!! Summer time. But why can’t I feel the happiness of such a supposed to be relieving event?
The feeling I had on the previous years when school year’s over was that I was so extremely happy that I sometimes don’t study for the finals anymore. I know it’s such a bad thing but I passed all the bloody exams anyway! Haha.
But now. This year’s utterly different. I want to be happy. I want to feel that there’s something heavy in my chest be taken away because that’s how I usually felt. I want to look forward to summer. I want to imagine myself lying on the couch the whole day and get scolded by mum because I’m such a lazy shunk.
That’s not a good picture in my mind but I’d rather have that than worry about school. I think. Or am I just saying this now? I don’t know.
I think I’m just worryng about this thing that I’ll have. It’s like an examination but not the typical one. It’s something more complex than that.
So I will have that exam in a couple of weeks and as hard as try to be calm about it, I just can’t.
Well, I guess I’ll have keep myself together a few weeks more. I can do this. I can.
You are not entitled to say those things to me because you have no right to hurt my feelings. We’re not even close.