A Better Day

Today is overall a good good day. Despite stomach cramps and colds and cough, it’s a good day. What made it so good and what made me so happy was that our business plan presentation was successful. All our hard work paid off. There were a few errorrs and lapses here and there but I didn’t care anymore because the professor was, I believe, satisfied by our presentation.

So I guess this will get me going for a while. 🙂

xx, K

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I Only Love You When I’m Drunk

Personally, sometimes, I like being drunk. Especially when the odds aren’t my favor amd everyday is a bad day and I just want to get numb and forget about things a bit. I read it somewhere that getting drunk is like borrowing happiness from tomorrow. So yes, I like the idea of that.

Being drunk is somehow liberating because you tend to let go. You wouldn’t care what anybody else is thinking about you, whether you do splits or lay on the floor like a dead hippo. You wouldn’t care because they don’t. Your valid and most of the time acceptable excuse is that you’re drunk. You are not rational. You don’t think straight when you’re drunk. So they kind of forgive you for that.

And then you laugh so hard and you don’t even know what you’re laughing about anymore.

You’re happy and numb at the same time. You forget things that you want to forget. Or you remember them but it doesn’t hurt anymore.

And then when the night is over, you slowly sober up once again and reality will come falling back on you like a large block of cement. And you’ll pay for the happiness the you borrowed by the hang over, headaches, uneasiness of yor stomach and lack of sleep.

But you would do it again. Why? Because you felt happy. Even for a moment. Even for a night. And a night or moment of happiness is better than none.

I’m not encouraging anyone to get drunk and be an alcoholic. I’m just imparting my feeelings and thoughts every time I drink with my friends. And it’s not even a frequent thing. Once a month or so.

Happy Holidays. Haha

A Piece of Cake

This is serendipity.

I wasn’t looking for this, but I found it. No.

It found me. I found me.

I was confused almost my whole life. Why I’m not like this. Why I’m not like that. Why can’t I be more like them and act like them and maybe be them instead of me. This weird, unusual, awkward me.

Then.

One night after I wrote a post for my blog, it’s as if everything fell into place. The pieces of the puzzle are slowly being put together and slowly and finally showing me a picture. Events happened that led me to things to discover.

And then I found out who I really am.

When I realized that I could be what I thought I could have been all this time, I felt relief. It was like everything finally made sense.

I knew there’s something in me that’s very different. Something that doesn’t seem to match in what I see in my friends.

I was actually starting to think that I could be mentally ill.

But I’m not. Thank you universe.

I’m just different. My preferences defy the social norms of this world. And I know struggles may come my way as I fight my way through. But I don’t care. I don’t mind fighting, letting them understand what I am. Because the freedom, the genuine freedom that I felt when I recognized who I am is so priceless that I’m sure I’d be able to handle the difficulties.

I am stronger.

Fiercer.

Asexy and I know it.

 

xx

Complexities

There comes a time that you’d feel like you never knew each other. Like you’ve never been friends. It’s as if that the eleven years starts to fade in your memories, slowly, bit by bit, scene by scene. And now you feel that you’ve just knew about their existence but not who they are anymore.

At first, you were just like ‘it’s normal, it’s part of growing up.’. You thought that it’s just normal to start having your own lives and to not see each other for a few weeks but at least you still make efforts to see each other after two weeks or so. To catch up. Your love lives never bothered the intimacy of your friendship. It was never an issue. They are both your friends after all.

But when you go with all of them with their guys with them (though you didn’t feel left out, unless they go into their love bubble from time to time and you just sit there trying not to feel or look awkward), you’re reminded (because they remind you) of your single-ness which you don’t really mind about. But when you’re with them, they make it a big deal.

So you’re okay with it anyway. Or at least trying to be okay with it.

You still found time to go out and watch movies with them, eat with them. Even though people may see you as their third wheel. But you ignored the thought.

But things obviously changed. It’s inevitable. Change is a constant thing they say.

So what did you do? You tried to keep up with it, you went with the flow so you wouldn’t find yourself drowning in the end.

You don’t see each other much anymore. They don’t ask how you are doing. But of course you’ve considered that they could be busy with school, with life generally.But you can’t help thinking…do they just contact you because they need you? And when you’re not needed, it just seem that you don’t exist anymore? Or you exist…but you just don’t seem useful to them.

It saddens you and it makes you question your worth to them. It makes you question their loyalty.

When you’re falling off ‘the cliff’ you somehow expected that someone would pull you back up, or catch you when you fall to the ground so that the fall wouldn’t be that painful. But it was only you who struggled and clawed your way back up. And then you realized that either way, you’re on your own.

You found salvation in fiction books that you read because it takes you away from reality for a while. And they don’t really understand this thing you have with books. They just don’t

One evening, you were in your room, thinking, just thinking. A thought came into your mind. It was like stars formed into constellations. And then you asked yourself.

‘What is it that most of the books you read taught you?’

What did Katniss Everdeen, Tris Prior, Melanie Stryder/Wanda, Saba, and other protagonists and occasionally the antagonists taught you?’

And finally, all the readings and all the almost sleepless nights and all the mocks you’ve received because you’re the girl who reads fiction books and because you fangirl over fictional characters, finally paid off, because it taught you something, something very important and applicable…

That despite everything that goes against you. despite everyone leaving you and making you feel like you’re all alone, despite the changes that happen around you and within you…

You must keep moving forward.

xx

Wanderer

I don’t know where I’m going. Why I’m here. What is my purpose. All I do is to wander. Go with the flow. Try things that may give me answers to life’s biggest questions that are, in reality, unanswerable. But I look for the answers anyway, to feel at ease, the feel that there’s actually a reason why things happen, to make myself believe that there are answers to all the questions.

I sometimes wish that if only I could see my future, if only I could know what’s really meant for me. So that I wouldn’t be wasting time doing this and that and then find out later on that it’s not for me. Disappointment is not a sweet downfall. There are downfalls in life that are worth it and there are those downfalls that are like you’re tied in a stretchable band and you’re tossed up in the sky and you feel like you’re flying and just when you start to enjoy the feeling you’re pulled back down harshly to the ground to remind you of reality.

Well it’s kind of like that

I may not know everything I want to know now, and I may not know about everything, ever, but I will keep on wandering. Wander to places that will give me a piece of myself. Wander to places that would help me become a whole as a person. I would just keep on wandering. Time will come. But only Time can tell.

xx

Solitary

Not a lot of people would appreciate being alone. Walking around the campus, or the malls or anywhere in general, alone. But I do. I enjoy it a lot.
Some of my friends would call me an emo and loner. But I’m not. I’m not an emo. I don’t cut my wrists or listen to screamo music or anything that an emo does (except for the times I’m frustrated or really angry. Haha) I even go watch movies alone. And I was told I’m weird. Well…

When I transferred to this new university, I spend my vacant hours alone. Of course. I go to the mall, roam around, read a book at the foodchain where I eat my lunch. Or I stay at this short corridor in the of a building where it’s not reached by the sunlight and it’s heat. I love it there. The wind is cool and the place is quiet. I like the quiet.

I didn’t make friends right away because I didn’t need one. I have my closest friends already and I believe that they are enough. I interact with my classmates of course, whenever it’s needed. And some of them I got to know deeper just by being their seatmate. I don’t know why but people tend to open up whenever they talk to me. I don’t even ask them about theor stuff. I really don’t like getting personal with a new person. Who does anyway? But they tell me things.

I’m not sure if those people noticed it but I don’t share the same thing they shared to me. I maintain a shallow relationship with them. I want us to remain aquaintances. But as I stay longer in this university, more people grew familiar with me. We greet each other everytime we cross paths but most of it are awkward. But it doesn’t matter anyway.

There’s this person that I know before because we were classmates in one subject. We never got close, nor became friends. We became classmates again. This time, this person wants us to be together almost all the time. This person wants us to have lunch together, do things together, and wants me to wait for her. Do things for her. And I really dislike compromising. I like doing my own stuff but with her with me, I don’t get to do my stuff anymore because she’s the one who’s got to have her way.

At first, I was okay with all of it. But as days go by and I think she’s getting worse with her being bossy, I’ve turn very robotic. Like, whenever we have conversations, I reply in a robotic way. No emotions attached to it. No actual care in it. I don’t know if it makes any sense but I feel that way. It’s like I’d rather feel no emotion at all than feeling mad at her. I feel like I’ve been utterly compromised.

I don’t even have the time to read my book anymore. I don’t have my time alone. I can’t stay in my favorite corridor anymore. I’m not a good talker so there are a lot of awkward silence and then she’d ask me to think of a topic so that we won’t be bored. Well, sorry miss I’m a boring companion, I’m not the type to be initiating conversations. I just answer and react. And I really feel uncomfortable whenever I’m with someone and we’re not talking.it feels awkward. I mean, it’s fine being silent together as long as there’s no awkwardness and pressure.

I’m a very patient person. I don’t judge right away. I go beyond the negative things a person possesses. I hope I would have more patience with this person and that I don’t snap at her. I’m chill. Most of the time i’m chill and I don’t want negativity in me.

I’m not anti-social. But being with a lot of people and interacting with them exhausts me. I don’t know why. Well, I’m an introvert, maybe that is why.

Xx