You are not entitled to say those things to me because you have no right to hurt my feelings. We’re not even close.
I’m not sure how long this will last. But it would be really nice if it will last for a very very long time. This friendship isn’t perfect. We have different personalities and all and they clash form time to time. But we manage to stitch things up and I’m glad that each one wants to keep the bond together.
Our fun may be not fun for others or our fun may be as fun as theirs but we won’t care because it’ our kind of fun. And even though we run out of things to say to each other or even though there are times that the only thing we could say to each other are insults, it doesn’t change the fact that we are friends and there hasn’t been a chaos that we haven’t gone through together.
We may not admit it but we do care for each other. We defend each other. If one is in trouble, I believe, if not all, most of us are ready to defend that person. I may be overstating stuff or just too grand about the reality of our friendship but that’s how I feel now. I may not feel this tomorrow but tomorrow won’t matter yet because it hasn’t come.
So for now I will patronize them. How awesome they are. And how they make me laugh so hard that my laugh would sound like an asthmatic seal. How we have the shallowest to the deepest conversations both when we’re drunk and sober. How much fun I feel whenever I’m with them.
Like what I said. I don’t know how long it’ll last. But I wish it will be for a long time.
Today is overall a good good day. Despite stomach cramps and colds and cough, it’s a good day. What made it so good and what made me so happy was that our business plan presentation was successful. All our hard work paid off. There were a few errorrs and lapses here and there but I didn’t care anymore because the professor was, I believe, satisfied by our presentation.
So I guess this will get me going for a while. 🙂
“My life grows tired, hungry to no purpose.” (Here I love You by Pablo Neruda)
I know that the whole poem wouldn’t connect to what I’ll be talking about right now. But this line describes the days, most days, where I find myself having no purpose to live through anymore.
There are days that when I wake up I would find myself wondering why I have to do the things that I do everyday. Like going to school, talk to people, and others. And I would ask myself why can’t I just lay down all day long and stare at ceiling and think about stuff until I fall asleep again.
But of course I can’t do that because:
1.) Mum wouldn’t be happy about me laying around all day doing nothing and neglecting all my responsibilities (i.e. house chores). She’d call me lazy again for chrisssake.
2.) I can’t just skip school whenever I want to because I don’t want to disappoint my parents with my failed grades ever again.
3.) Doing nothing may make me feel fine for a while but would make me feel worthless and guilty for wasting time and for not doing something productive later on.
These are only the few things I could remember right now.
It’s not easy to disregard what I’m going through inside me. But I have to…every single day. To make things normal. At least on the outside. To not cause problems or to burden to others.
I have to push down deeper within me whatever negativity that I feel (I don’t want it. This negativity is just simply there.) Just to make myself somehow feel better. But at the end of the day, when I’m alone in my room, I would realize that I’m exhausted. Not physically. But mentally and emotionally. It’s so hard pretending that I’m fine. I would almost believe that I am sometimes.
But at night I realize that I lie to myself too much that when I’m alone my inner self would confront my façade and would remind me of the truth. It’s that I’m not totally okay. But the thing that keeps that thought away is that evryone is a little broken inside right?
I do feel genuinely happy sometimes. It’s just that it’s not enough to fill the emptiness that I feel all the time.
Being with my friends and my family, doing fun stuff with them would fill in the emptiness temporarily. But what happens when I’m alone?……
There are days where I would just go through my routine (wake up early, prep for school, go to school and then sit through classes but not exactly paying attention, and then go home) and would go through it like a zombie. In these days, I’d be distant, irritable, wants to be alone, quiet (I’m quiet most of the time but if you’d talk to me I’ll be open for conversations. In this case I’d make a way to end the conversation as quickly as possible.)
Someone told me yesterday that if something going on within me I shouldn’t go around affecting other people. I was feeling a bit distant and irritable yesterday that’s why she told me that.
And it made me go back to thinking that yes maybe there’s going something real within me. This problem is not something I’ve been imagining. Maybe it’s real. And I’ve just been running away from it I don’t to believe that it’s real.
I realy do wish I had someone to talk to about it. It doesn’t matter if he or she’s a professional or not. As long as they would understand and not think less of me because of this.
Maybe I’m just paranoid. Maybe I’m not. I really don’t know.
It has been three years since I started to fully know this ‘Darkness’ I’m struggling with. Nobody knows it but me. I’ve been aquainted with him a few times earlier in my life but I haven’t really thought through about it.
Until this event happened three years ago which resulted a fall back to the arms of Darkness. I told no one. Because if I tell someone, he or she might not understand or he or she might only take it lightly. Which will not help in my situation tha time. So I kept it to myself. It was hard. It was really hard.
As time went by, I thought that I was slowly recovering. I though I was okay. I thought that I’m over everything. But now, I realized that I never recovered. I just learned how to swim to the surface and just float along. But I’m still in this Darkness. I don’t know until when but I think I’ll be here for a long time.
Right now, it’s slowly drowning me again. And I’m a little scared because it’s never certain what will happen once I’m down there.
Someone pull me up and save me.
I wonder if there is someone that really cares about me. A person outside my family of course. I wonder if there is someone that actually thinks about me. Someone that looks out for me even though I may not know about it. I wonder if someone is willing to do the things I’m willing, if I’m able, to do for the person I really care about.
I wonder if there is someone that is willing to make time for me even if it’s in short notice. I wonder if there is someone that would sacrifice for me. I wonder if there’s someone that would be happy if they see me happy even though they’re not happy themselves.
I watch out for the people I care about and protective over them. I wonder if someone feels the same way about me too. Not necessarily in a romantic way of course.
Somehow, knowing that someone cares about you, that someone thinks about you, that someone is attentive to your needs rather than their own, even though that someone is a friend, best friend or a lover, it doesn’t really matter who they are because you feel comfort. You feel safe. Even though they’re not physically present. Even though they’re far away. Because just knwowing is enough. Just knowing makes you feel warm. Just knowing doesn’t make you feel lonely anymore even when you’re alone.
I wish someone is like that to me. Because sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who really cares. A one-sided thing.
And now I let go of these feelings. It will be damn hard. But I will try. And I will succeed. I’ve done this before. It’s the only thing I’ve been doing when in comes to my own lovelife. Getting over someone I never eve dated.
But I bet it’s way less harder than those legit relationships. I never had that before. Maybe that’s why I protect myself. Maybe that’s why I instinctively push them away and not give them a chance. I recoil whenever I see a potential of it growing into something more. I stay away. I don’t trust at all.
Because when I was younger and naïve, I believed that if you are loyal to people , they would be too. So I trusted. I got disappointed. I got betrayed. I got hurt. I as expecting too much from people.
So now I know. Never let them in. Control. Only let them see what I want them to see.
But there are others, my closest friends could see beyond what I let them. And I’m scared. It’s scary to know that someone could read you. That someone knows that you grin all the time when you’re with the person you like.
It’s scary because I become vulnerable. And being vulerable means I have the possibility of being hurt or being betrayed again. Sometimes, I just force myelf and make myself believe that O trust them so that I on’t worrying all the time with them tellings my secrets and all and make fun of me.
So now, I’ve decided that I won’t care. That I won’t give a f*ck anymore. I’ve suffered enough mentally by over thinking. I’m just tired. Tired.
I was like 10 or 11 when I first watched Lord of the Rings. I remember enjoying it and imitating Gollum with my siblings but I haven’t fully understood it.
As I grow older, I’ve come across it once again in cable channels. I would watch at first but then I’d thought it was boring so I’d change. I still didn’t understand.
And then at 20, I had this craving, this constant thought in my mind that I want to watch Lord of the Rings again.
I asked my friends if they had a copy of it. One said he had but his hard drive was not functioning. So that postponed my craving.
Months later, the craving grew stronger again. And this time I’m more determined to find a copy. I don’t really know what triggered this craving. And I don’t care what it is. So lucky enough I have a friend that has a blue ray of the three movies.
I was so excited.
I allotted a day just to watch the three movies. And when I started I finally began to understand what I understood lightly years ago. And it hit me. It’s one of the most well-made movies of all time. I love it so much. And when I watched the thrid movie, as it nears to it’s end, I began to feel this separation anxiety. Like I don’t want it to end.
And the End surely hit me through to the bones, my heart and my soul. I was keeping myself together and not cry because my mother, who’s upstairs might come down and see me. (I’m not the usual type that would cry over movies) (Well actually I am. But with the right movie. And when I’m all alone). But the tears couldn’t be contained. So I let some of it stream out my eyes and held a pillow close to my face so I could cover it when someone walks in.
I admired deeply Frodo and Sam’s friendship and I felt a pain in my heart when Frodo left Sam. When the Fellowship’s friendship has ended. When things weren’t the same for them anymore. For me, it was like the end of all endings. I don’t know how to explain it.
It was like they continue to live their lives. And I’m not ready to let them go yet. But I couldn’t stop it because it has to end. Frodo had to go. Sam had to live his life with his family and the Middle Earth hails its King and continue on with their lives.
It was a rollercoaster of feelings. And I’m glad I watched it again. Because this time, I know. Because this time, I finally understand.
…And because this time, I will be one of those people who will never forget the
Lord of the Rings Trilogy.
Personally, sometimes, I like being drunk. Especially when the odds aren’t my favor amd everyday is a bad day and I just want to get numb and forget about things a bit. I read it somewhere that getting drunk is like borrowing happiness from tomorrow. So yes, I like the idea of that.
Being drunk is somehow liberating because you tend to let go. You wouldn’t care what anybody else is thinking about you, whether you do splits or lay on the floor like a dead hippo. You wouldn’t care because they don’t. Your valid and most of the time acceptable excuse is that you’re drunk. You are not rational. You don’t think straight when you’re drunk. So they kind of forgive you for that.
And then you laugh so hard and you don’t even know what you’re laughing about anymore.
You’re happy and numb at the same time. You forget things that you want to forget. Or you remember them but it doesn’t hurt anymore.
And then when the night is over, you slowly sober up once again and reality will come falling back on you like a large block of cement. And you’ll pay for the happiness the you borrowed by the hang over, headaches, uneasiness of yor stomach and lack of sleep.
But you would do it again. Why? Because you felt happy. Even for a moment. Even for a night. And a night or moment of happiness is better than none.
I’m not encouraging anyone to get drunk and be an alcoholic. I’m just imparting my feeelings and thoughts every time I drink with my friends. And it’s not even a frequent thing. Once a month or so.
Happy Holidays. Haha
And now you have inflicted a suffering that will haunt me for a long time. If it hadn’t started, even as a joke, I never would have grown these feelings. No matter how I try to stop them, no matter how I try to pretend they don’t exist, I get slapped by reality as I caught myself thinking about you (and smiling). That’s not right. That’s the time when I realized that it has somehow affected me. That even though I’m putting all my defenses up and putting up this front of having a cold heart, you have somehow got past through it. Almost, but not quite there yet.
So before everything will come to it’s worst (like being awkward with each other), I will stop this. I will do everything to take these, whatever this is in my heart, out.
Just like now. It has been a bit of a long time since we last saw each other. I admit that I miss you. But it’s obvious that you’re creatig this distance. And this ‘distance’ hurts me. And I don’t want it to hurt me. I don’t want aything you do or say hurt me or affect me in any way.
So I carry this struggle. And as long as I have this I will remain to have my walls up.