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I ask myself, why haven’t I been in love, why haven’t I let myself fall in love.

And then I tell myself…I don’t know. I honestly don’t know

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Not an Exception

What is it with you that makes me feel light inside, that makes me feel young and invincible and free, that makes me feel safe and trustful, that makes me ask myself, “Why the hell not?”.

Why the hell not? Because you probably don’t feel the same. That’s the problem now. My problem. Not yours. It’s always been one-sided thing for me. Always. You’re not an exception.

Oh well. 

xx K

Summertime Sadness

The bloody semester is officially over!!! Summer time. But why can’t I feel the happiness of such a supposed to be relieving event?

The feeling I had on the previous years when school year’s over was that I was so extremely happy that I sometimes don’t study for the finals anymore. I know it’s such a bad thing but I passed all the bloody exams anyway! Haha.

But now. This year’s utterly different. I want to be happy. I want to feel that there’s something heavy in my chest be taken away because that’s how I usually felt. I want to look forward to summer. I want to imagine myself lying on the couch the whole day and get scolded by mum because I’m such a lazy shunk.

That’s not a good picture in my mind but I’d rather have that than worry about school. I think. Or am I just saying this now? I don’t know.

I think I’m just worryng about this thing that I’ll have. It’s like an examination but not the typical one. It’s something more complex than that.

So I will have that exam in a couple of weeks and as hard as  try to be calm about it, I just can’t.

Well, I guess I’ll have keep myself together a few weeks more. I can do this. I can.

xx, K

Dream Entry

It started with me walking home. A neighbor asked me when we’ll be going to the cemetery because she wanted to go with us. She wanted a free ride. I think it was All Soul’s Day.

Then at the house, I was with my work mates. It was our old house We were having dinner, I think. We were celebrating something. And then a part of the house was our office. Our manager called us.

He said not to eat that one dish because it’s spoiled. So we all agreed. And then when they were all gone, I tried to taste that food but it wasn’t spoiled. It was far from spoiled. It was delicious. The manager caught me so I told him that I didn’t think the food was spoiled.

He told me that I shouldnt tell anyone. It was kind of a threat. So I got a little scared. I didn’t understand why he would make it a big deal about me telling the others about the food

When I got back to the kitchen where my work mates were, I told them what happened. Because I was scared. And I made them promise not to tell.

It was a blur what happened next.
I just remember this next scene which was far from the first one.

We were entering the mansion of a family where we will live from that day on. I didn’t know why. I think my mum married the man who owned the mansion.
In real life my mum and dad are still together. So I don’t understand why she would marry another man in my dream. Well it’s a dream. So…

It had an enormous front lawn with short green grasses and a huge tree at the far left. It was a colorful day. I only dream in colors so rarely.
The man had a son, about my age, I forgot his face, and a daughter and a youngest son. Or was that a cousin, I forgot. The mansion was so beautiful. There were a lot of people but I didn’t remember their faces. I wasn’t looking at them.

I remember roaming around. In my dream it seemed that our families were close. So I took the freedom of checking the rooms. Looking for empty rooms where I’ll be staying.
But the funny thing is that I found myself looking for the eldest son’s room. In my dream we were sort of friends too. And we got along.

I checked each room and checked the things in the room if I’d find any sign of him owining the room.

The first room I opened, I was sure it was the youngest son’s room because it said at the door “Welcome awesome Wizard of Hogwarts”

I moved on until I found this toilet. When I opened it, at the other side of the toilet was a blue door with a smokey square glass on the top part. It must be someone’s room because I saw figures. And I heard noises. Someone was playing the guitar and the others were laughing. So I closed it and moved on to the next. I didn’t think it was his room because I thought he was still downstairs with the other family members.

I remember thinking that it was a strange room because it was a room within a toilet.

Having no idea which room was his, I asked the help. She pointed me the toilet where I just opened a while ago.
So I went back and decided to open the blue door. I was startled. Like my eyes widened and my mouth dropped open. He was there. And looked like all of his friends were too.

“Sorry.” I said as I recoiled to close the door.

But he stopped me and let me in.
So I went in. I smiled awkwardly to his friends and found an empty corner where I decided to stay. Another funny thing is that I lay down on the corner of his closet and coiled under the clothes. I didn’t know why.

Then he went to me and told me it was one of his favorite places too. I smiled and sat up.
I didn’t know why but his friends started to leave. I checked out his room.
I liked that it was isolated. It was so hidden and secured. On the corner of his room there was an opening. Just a small opening at the bottom of the wall runs from end to end where I could see a hallway in the mansion and people passing by.

He started to talk to me. I stood and saw that there was only a friend left.
I think that we were really close because I immediately fell on my back lying on his bed and closed my eyes. I felt him lying above my head.

I heard the last friend left. It was just the two of us.

We were talking but I forgot what we were talking about.
My feet were dangling on the bottom of his bed and my arms were spread to my sides.

And then he put a black cloth on my face. Then he said:

“So that the world will not see you when you don’t want to.”

I didn’t know why but I nodded and almost cried. But I didn’t. I felt an emotion. Sadness. Emptiness. It was bizarre. It seemed like we understood each other beyond explanations. We understood each other’s souls like we’ve known each other for an eternity. He understood me without me uttering the words which I most of the time fail to use in expressing myself.

I felt his hand on mine and we were just like that for a moment. I liked it. It didn’t feel malicious. It was an innocent, friendly physical contact. And it felt that holding each other’s hand was enough.

Then a while later, we heard my mom calling for us. I told him to ignore but he said we should go. So we did. Mum said that lunch was ready.

Mum was suspicious. I felt it. So I told her that the guy’s room was great. I tried to be over cheerful and all. He had this and he had that in his room and I pretended that I forgot the guy’s name so I asked him.

And it came out that I did really forgot his name. I thought his name was Trey but it was not. I don’t know where the Trey came from. Now I forgot the name that he said when he corrected me.

The next part was blurry. We went to the mall to shop. I was with him, his sister, and mum.

We had this secret. A quiet one. I could feel it in the way we looked at each other. A secret that we don’t think we needed to share to others but ourselves. It was a nice feeling having someone understands you so deeply even just in a dream.

And that’s all I could remember because I was woke up with a loud knock on my door.

xx K

When You’re the Single One

It has been a long time since I’ve spend a day with my girl friends. A fun day, full of bonding and just us girls. Without their boyfriends.

I am the only girl in our group who doesn’t have a boyfriend (never had). I’m not bitter about having none. I’m okay with it. I’m fine being alone. And I embrace my independence.

But I just miss those times when I get to bond with my girl friends. Talk about girl stuff and share secrets without their boyfriends lurking around or clinging beside the or the worst of all…taking their attention off me.

I think I’m jealous of their boyfriends. I can’t talk to them like I used to. When I get to share a secret, there’ll be a big possibility that their boyfriends would know about it too. It kind of messes more with my trust issues.

I’m friends with their boyfriends too. We go out together as a group and that’s okay too. And fun most of the time.

I just hope that I could still have my girl friends as a whole. Not just a part of a couple. Because that’s how I see it. Them and their boyfriends are one. And when I get to spend time with one of the pair, I get only a half of them.

I love them.
And they don’t realize that when I love, I give my whole self. My whole to each person that I love.

I just sometimes wish that they’re the same.

Because right now…I’m jealous.

And missing them…

Even though we see each other frequently.

I miss them.

Unintentional Playboy

Haven’t you realized still that you’ve hurt people already? You are so reckless with your words and your actions. You say things that you don’t fully mean. You say them but you have no plans on standing by them.

You don’t think about the people who might have been smitten by your words. Let alone your actions. You act sweet sometimes. You act like you care. Or maybe you’re just innately kind and an ocassional gentleman. But can be an utter bastard for disregarding other people’s feelings sometimes. I don’t know.

But the little sweetness you show, that’s enough for a woman with weak defenses fall for you. And you may not even know about it. Or you intentionally want to be blind with those feelings and leave the girl with an unrequited love and a broken heart.

I could see that she’s hurt. She had liked you for a time there but I don’t know if she has gotten over you or not. But I could see it in her eyes, in the way she looks at you, in the way she wants to be by your side at all times and how she wants you to do things for her.

And the funny thing is that I’m worried about another girl getting hurt by you while I was lead on by you and was astoundingly hurt not a long time ago.

You don’t know about it.

I’ve acted like I’m fine. And like it wasn’t getting into me. Like I wasn’t feeling anything. That works sometimes because the things that I’ve told myself why I should stop feeling the way I felt were eventually believable. And I’ve kept that that way.

Don’t mind me because I can take care of myslef. I’ve done nothing but that all my life. And sometimes certain people think of it as selfishness.

But who would think of me but me?

So back to the issue here. I hope you would open your eyes to the things you’re actually doing before things will get worse than they are already getting.

I’m your friend. I tell you that. And I know I will be nothing more than that. But somehow right now, I don’t mind anymore.

xx K