“My life grows tired, hungry to no purpose.” (Here I love You by Pablo Neruda)
I know that the whole poem wouldn’t connect to what I’ll be talking about right now. But this line describes the days, most days, where I find myself having no purpose to live through anymore.
There are days that when I wake up I would find myself wondering why I have to do the things that I do everyday. Like going to school, talk to people, and others. And I would ask myself why can’t I just lay down all day long and stare at ceiling and think about stuff until I fall asleep again.
But of course I can’t do that because:
1.) Mum wouldn’t be happy about me laying around all day doing nothing and neglecting all my responsibilities (i.e. house chores). She’d call me lazy again for chrisssake.
2.) I can’t just skip school whenever I want to because I don’t want to disappoint my parents with my failed grades ever again.
3.) Doing nothing may make me feel fine for a while but would make me feel worthless and guilty for wasting time and for not doing something productive later on.
These are only the few things I could remember right now.
It’s not easy to disregard what I’m going through inside me. But I have to…every single day. To make things normal. At least on the outside. To not cause problems or to burden to others.
I have to push down deeper within me whatever negativity that I feel (I don’t want it. This negativity is just simply there.) Just to make myself somehow feel better. But at the end of the day, when I’m alone in my room, I would realize that I’m exhausted. Not physically. But mentally and emotionally. It’s so hard pretending that I’m fine. I would almost believe that I am sometimes.
But at night I realize that I lie to myself too much that when I’m alone my inner self would confront my façade and would remind me of the truth. It’s that I’m not totally okay. But the thing that keeps that thought away is that evryone is a little broken inside right?
I do feel genuinely happy sometimes. It’s just that it’s not enough to fill the emptiness that I feel all the time.
Being with my friends and my family, doing fun stuff with them would fill in the emptiness temporarily. But what happens when I’m alone?……
There are days where I would just go through my routine (wake up early, prep for school, go to school and then sit through classes but not exactly paying attention, and then go home) and would go through it like a zombie. In these days, I’d be distant, irritable, wants to be alone, quiet (I’m quiet most of the time but if you’d talk to me I’ll be open for conversations. In this case I’d make a way to end the conversation as quickly as possible.)
Someone told me yesterday that if something going on within me I shouldn’t go around affecting other people. I was feeling a bit distant and irritable yesterday that’s why she told me that.
And it made me go back to thinking that yes maybe there’s going something real within me. This problem is not something I’ve been imagining. Maybe it’s real. And I’ve just been running away from it I don’t to believe that it’s real.
I realy do wish I had someone to talk to about it. It doesn’t matter if he or she’s a professional or not. As long as they would understand and not think less of me because of this.
Maybe I’m just paranoid. Maybe I’m not. I really don’t know.