This is serendipity.
I wasn’t looking for this, but I found it. No.
It found me. I found me.
I was confused almost my whole life. Why I’m not like this. Why I’m not like that. Why can’t I be more like them and act like them and maybe be them instead of me. This weird, unusual, awkward me.
One night after I wrote a post for my blog, it’s as if everything fell into place. The pieces of the puzzle are slowly being put together and slowly and finally showing me a picture. Events happened that led me to things to discover.
And then I found out who I really am.
When I realized that I could be what I thought I could have been all this time, I felt relief. It was like everything finally made sense.
I knew there’s something in me that’s very different. Something that doesn’t seem to match in what I see in my friends.
I was actually starting to think that I could be mentally ill.
But I’m not. Thank you universe.
I’m just different. My preferences defy the social norms of this world. And I know struggles may come my way as I fight my way through. But I don’t care. I don’t mind fighting, letting them understand what I am. Because the freedom, the genuine freedom that I felt when I recognized who I am is so priceless that I’m sure I’d be able to handle the difficulties.
I am stronger.
Asexy and I know it.
Am I already called asexual if my idea of having a relationship or having a boyfriend will just be holding hands, kissing( not much of this even), hugging, watching movies, sitting in silence, talking about Game of Thrones or whatever movies or tv series we watch, and not have sex, foreplay, and whatever overly intimate deeds that most couple now a days do?
I’m just wondering. Because I’m the only one in the group who doesn’t have a boyfriend and not fond of the idea of being overly intimate to one’s partner. My friends already had their experiences. I’m open minded about their experiences. We could have these conversations– sex talks, and who kissed who during our sleepover and the like but the idea of me doing it somehow disgusts me. It seems normal to them but not to me.
And now one friend thinks about setting me up with someone so that I could have a someone.
Can’t I just be single? Alone? and happy? and free?
I mean, I feel lonely sometimes and wonder what it would feel like to have a boyfriend but the thought of my boyfriend asking me to have sex with him immediately appalls me. So I’d rather be single than do that. And because of that, I think now that all guys would ask for more from their girlfriends. So not until a guy comes that would assure that he will hold and suppress his ‘manly urges’ because that’s how he loves me? I would remain single.
For me, a man that has self-control is more admirable that a man that’s proud because he had been with many girls.