A Love a Lot Like in the Books

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Call me an ideal person or a delusional one, but I’m still dreaming and hoping for that kind of love to come in my life that are like in the books. That kind of love that overcomes everything. That kind of love that I finally find the reason why I’m living and that that person is the only reason after all. That kind of love that that person accepts me entirely for who I am and for who I am not and for who I am underneath all my masks. And even when all the masks come off at the end of the day, that person will still love me and all my flaws and all the unacceptable things that I find in myself won’t make that person love me less. 

A love like in the books, to find that person would never give up on me, would use words, or music, or literature to woo me. That person would make me feel so special. Everyone wants to feel that they’re special anyway. That kind of love that even in silence, it is still felt in an overwhelming way. That kind of love that would make other kinds of love so little and unimportant. A love that is immeasurable. A love that doesn’t end even when the book has ended. That kind of love that would make me stop dreaming and wishing about what kind of man or what kind of love I want to have because I finally have that person and would know that it is that person is what I’ve been waiting for. 

It is only in the rarest times that I allow myself to think about love and having a person to love in an intimate and romantic way. And it is only in these rarest times that I let myself dream and hope of the love that I want to have in my life. A love a lot like in the books. 

xx, K

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Is This Real Life or Is This Just Fantasy

Aside

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If I haven’t read a single book, I think I would be a limited person today. Limited in the sense that I wouldn’t have known about the things I would not learn about on a normal basis. Reading is something that keeps me sane and insane at the same time. Sane, because I can’t live without reading. I have to have a book with me in my bag all the time. Insane, because there are times that I seem t live in a different world.

I think differently. And whenever I impart some of my thoughts to my friends, some of it, they can’t register in their minds. Or they would think it would be too unusual and sometimes think that I’m weird to even think it. It’s not that I think their dumb or I’m dumb or something. It’s just that we’re different. They are too attached with the reality of life. While I occasionally detach myself from reality and chooses to live in fantasy to take a break. 

Reality is too energy draining. Being with a group of people the whole day is energy draining. That’s why when I get home it feel so good to lie on the floor and just lay there. And then my mind starts to wander. And that’s one way how I take a break from reality. Another way is to read a book or write a new post for my blog or watch tv. 

A lot of choices really. The bottom line is that I must be alone. 

Complexities

There comes a time that you’d feel like you never knew each other. Like you’ve never been friends. It’s as if that the eleven years starts to fade in your memories, slowly, bit by bit, scene by scene. And now you feel that you’ve just knew about their existence but not who they are anymore.

At first, you were just like ‘it’s normal, it’s part of growing up.’. You thought that it’s just normal to start having your own lives and to not see each other for a few weeks but at least you still make efforts to see each other after two weeks or so. To catch up. Your love lives never bothered the intimacy of your friendship. It was never an issue. They are both your friends after all.

But when you go with all of them with their guys with them (though you didn’t feel left out, unless they go into their love bubble from time to time and you just sit there trying not to feel or look awkward), you’re reminded (because they remind you) of your single-ness which you don’t really mind about. But when you’re with them, they make it a big deal.

So you’re okay with it anyway. Or at least trying to be okay with it.

You still found time to go out and watch movies with them, eat with them. Even though people may see you as their third wheel. But you ignored the thought.

But things obviously changed. It’s inevitable. Change is a constant thing they say.

So what did you do? You tried to keep up with it, you went with the flow so you wouldn’t find yourself drowning in the end.

You don’t see each other much anymore. They don’t ask how you are doing. But of course you’ve considered that they could be busy with school, with life generally.But you can’t help thinking…do they just contact you because they need you? And when you’re not needed, it just seem that you don’t exist anymore? Or you exist…but you just don’t seem useful to them.

It saddens you and it makes you question your worth to them. It makes you question their loyalty.

When you’re falling off ‘the cliff’ you somehow expected that someone would pull you back up, or catch you when you fall to the ground so that the fall wouldn’t be that painful. But it was only you who struggled and clawed your way back up. And then you realized that either way, you’re on your own.

You found salvation in fiction books that you read because it takes you away from reality for a while. And they don’t really understand this thing you have with books. They just don’t

One evening, you were in your room, thinking, just thinking. A thought came into your mind. It was like stars formed into constellations. And then you asked yourself.

‘What is it that most of the books you read taught you?’

What did Katniss Everdeen, Tris Prior, Melanie Stryder/Wanda, Saba, and other protagonists and occasionally the antagonists taught you?’

And finally, all the readings and all the almost sleepless nights and all the mocks you’ve received because you’re the girl who reads fiction books and because you fangirl over fictional characters, finally paid off, because it taught you something, something very important and applicable…

That despite everything that goes against you. despite everyone leaving you and making you feel like you’re all alone, despite the changes that happen around you and within you…

You must keep moving forward.

xx