My Life Grows Tired Hungry to No Purpose

“My life grows tired, hungry to no purpose.” (Here I love You by Pablo Neruda)

I know that the whole poem wouldn’t connect to what I’ll be talking about right now. But this line describes the days, most days, where I find myself having no purpose to live through anymore.

There are days that when I wake up I would find myself wondering why I have to do the things that I do everyday. Like going to school, talk to people, and others. And I would ask myself why can’t I just lay down all day long and stare at ceiling and think about stuff until I fall asleep again.

But of course I can’t do that because:
1.) Mum wouldn’t be happy about me laying around all day doing nothing and neglecting all my responsibilities (i.e. house chores). She’d call me lazy again for chrisssake.

2.) I can’t just skip school whenever I want to because I don’t want to disappoint my parents with my failed grades ever again.

3.) Doing nothing may make me feel fine for a while but would make me feel worthless and guilty for wasting time and for not doing something productive later on.
These are only the few things I could remember right now.

It’s not easy to disregard what I’m going through inside me. But I have to…every single day. To make things normal. At least on the outside. To not cause problems or to burden to others.

I have to push down deeper within me whatever negativity that I feel (I don’t want it. This negativity is just simply there.) Just to make myself somehow feel better. But at the end of the day, when I’m alone in my room, I would realize that I’m exhausted. Not physically. But mentally and emotionally. It’s so hard pretending that I’m fine. I would almost believe that I am sometimes.

But at night I realize that I lie to myself too much that when I’m alone my inner self would confront my fa├žade and would remind me of the truth. It’s that I’m not totally okay. But the thing that keeps that thought away is that evryone is a little broken inside right?

I do feel genuinely happy sometimes. It’s just that it’s not enough to fill the emptiness that I feel all the time.

Being with my friends and my family, doing fun stuff with them would fill in the emptiness temporarily. But what happens when I’m alone?……

There are days where I would just go through my routine (wake up early, prep for school, go to school and then sit through classes but not exactly paying attention, and then go home) and would go through it like a zombie. In these days, I’d be distant, irritable, wants to be alone, quiet (I’m quiet most of the time but if you’d talk to me I’ll be open for conversations. In this case I’d make a way to end the conversation as quickly as possible.)

Someone told me yesterday that if something going on within me I shouldn’t go around affecting other people. I was feeling a bit distant and irritable yesterday that’s why she told me that.

And it made me go back to thinking that yes maybe there’s going something real within me. This problem is not something I’ve been imagining. Maybe it’s real. And I’ve just been running away from it I don’t to believe that it’s real.

I realy do wish I had someone to talk to about it. It doesn’t matter if he or she’s a professional or not. As long as they would understand and not think less of me because of this.

Maybe I’m just paranoid. Maybe I’m not. I really don’t know.

xx, K

Just Keep Swimming

It has been three years since I started to fully know this ‘Darkness’ I’m struggling with. Nobody knows it but me. I’ve been aquainted with him a few times earlier in my life but I haven’t really thought through about it.

Until this event happened three years ago which resulted a fall back to the arms of Darkness. I told no one. Because if I tell someone, he or she might not understand or he or she might only take it lightly. Which will not help in my situation tha time. So I kept it to myself. It was hard. It was really hard.

As time went by, I thought that I was slowly recovering. I though I was okay. I thought that I’m over everything. But now, I realized that I never recovered. I just learned how to swim to the surface and just float along. But I’m still in this Darkness. I don’t know until when but I think I’ll be here for a long time.

Right now, it’s slowly drowning me again. And I’m a little scared because it’s never certain what will happen once I’m down there.

Someone pull me up and save me.

xx, K

A One-sided Thing

I wonder if there is someone that really cares about me. A person outside my family of course. I wonder if there is someone that actually thinks about me. Someone that looks out for me even though I may not know about it. I wonder if someone is willing to do the things I’m willing, if I’m able, to do for the person I really care about.

I wonder if there is someone that is willing to make time for me even if it’s in short notice. I wonder if there is someone that would sacrifice for me. I wonder if there’s someone that would be happy if they see me happy even though they’re not happy themselves.

I watch out for the people I care about and protective over them. I wonder if someone feels the same way about me too. Not necessarily in a romantic way of course.

Somehow, knowing that someone cares about you, that someone thinks about you, that someone is attentive to your needs rather than their own, even though that someone is a friend, best friend or a lover, it doesn’t really matter who they are because you feel comfort. You feel safe. Even though they’re not physically present. Even though they’re far away. Because just knwowing is enough. Just knowing makes you feel warm. Just knowing doesn’t make you feel lonely anymore even when you’re alone.

I wish someone is like that to me. Because sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who really cares. A one-sided thing.

xx, katastrophicity