Dream Entry

It started with me walking home. A neighbor asked me when we’ll be going to the cemetery because she wanted to go with us. She wanted a free ride. I think it was All Soul’s Day.

Then at the house, I was with my work mates. It was our old house We were having dinner, I think. We were celebrating something. And then a part of the house was our office. Our manager called us.

He said not to eat that one dish because it’s spoiled. So we all agreed. And then when they were all gone, I tried to taste that food but it wasn’t spoiled. It was far from spoiled. It was delicious. The manager caught me so I told him that I didn’t think the food was spoiled.

He told me that I shouldnt tell anyone. It was kind of a threat. So I got a little scared. I didn’t understand why he would make it a big deal about me telling the others about the food

When I got back to the kitchen where my work mates were, I told them what happened. Because I was scared. And I made them promise not to tell.

It was a blur what happened next.
I just remember this next scene which was far from the first one.

We were entering the mansion of a family where we will live from that day on. I didn’t know why. I think my mum married the man who owned the mansion.
In real life my mum and dad are still together. So I don’t understand why she would marry another man in my dream. Well it’s a dream. So…

It had an enormous front lawn with short green grasses and a huge tree at the far left. It was a colorful day. I only dream in colors so rarely.
The man had a son, about my age, I forgot his face, and a daughter and a youngest son. Or was that a cousin, I forgot. The mansion was so beautiful. There were a lot of people but I didn’t remember their faces. I wasn’t looking at them.

I remember roaming around. In my dream it seemed that our families were close. So I took the freedom of checking the rooms. Looking for empty rooms where I’ll be staying.
But the funny thing is that I found myself looking for the eldest son’s room. In my dream we were sort of friends too. And we got along.

I checked each room and checked the things in the room if I’d find any sign of him owining the room.

The first room I opened, I was sure it was the youngest son’s room because it said at the door “Welcome awesome Wizard of Hogwarts”

I moved on until I found this toilet. When I opened it, at the other side of the toilet was a blue door with a smokey square glass on the top part. It must be someone’s room because I saw figures. And I heard noises. Someone was playing the guitar and the others were laughing. So I closed it and moved on to the next. I didn’t think it was his room because I thought he was still downstairs with the other family members.

I remember thinking that it was a strange room because it was a room within a toilet.

Having no idea which room was his, I asked the help. She pointed me the toilet where I just opened a while ago.
So I went back and decided to open the blue door. I was startled. Like my eyes widened and my mouth dropped open. He was there. And looked like all of his friends were too.

“Sorry.” I said as I recoiled to close the door.

But he stopped me and let me in.
So I went in. I smiled awkwardly to his friends and found an empty corner where I decided to stay. Another funny thing is that I lay down on the corner of his closet and coiled under the clothes. I didn’t know why.

Then he went to me and told me it was one of his favorite places too. I smiled and sat up.
I didn’t know why but his friends started to leave. I checked out his room.
I liked that it was isolated. It was so hidden and secured. On the corner of his room there was an opening. Just a small opening at the bottom of the wall runs from end to end where I could see a hallway in the mansion and people passing by.

He started to talk to me. I stood and saw that there was only a friend left.
I think that we were really close because I immediately fell on my back lying on his bed and closed my eyes. I felt him lying above my head.

I heard the last friend left. It was just the two of us.

We were talking but I forgot what we were talking about.
My feet were dangling on the bottom of his bed and my arms were spread to my sides.

And then he put a black cloth on my face. Then he said:

“So that the world will not see you when you don’t want to.”

I didn’t know why but I nodded and almost cried. But I didn’t. I felt an emotion. Sadness. Emptiness. It was bizarre. It seemed like we understood each other beyond explanations. We understood each other’s souls like we’ve known each other for an eternity. He understood me without me uttering the words which I most of the time fail to use in expressing myself.

I felt his hand on mine and we were just like that for a moment. I liked it. It didn’t feel malicious. It was an innocent, friendly physical contact. And it felt that holding each other’s hand was enough.

Then a while later, we heard my mom calling for us. I told him to ignore but he said we should go. So we did. Mum said that lunch was ready.

Mum was suspicious. I felt it. So I told her that the guy’s room was great. I tried to be over cheerful and all. He had this and he had that in his room and I pretended that I forgot the guy’s name so I asked him.

And it came out that I did really forgot his name. I thought his name was Trey but it was not. I don’t know where the Trey came from. Now I forgot the name that he said when he corrected me.

The next part was blurry. We went to the mall to shop. I was with him, his sister, and mum.

We had this secret. A quiet one. I could feel it in the way we looked at each other. A secret that we don’t think we needed to share to others but ourselves. It was a nice feeling having someone understands you so deeply even just in a dream.

And that’s all I could remember because I was woke up with a loud knock on my door.

xx K

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A One-sided Thing

I wonder if there is someone that really cares about me. A person outside my family of course. I wonder if there is someone that actually thinks about me. Someone that looks out for me even though I may not know about it. I wonder if someone is willing to do the things I’m willing, if I’m able, to do for the person I really care about.

I wonder if there is someone that is willing to make time for me even if it’s in short notice. I wonder if there is someone that would sacrifice for me. I wonder if there’s someone that would be happy if they see me happy even though they’re not happy themselves.

I watch out for the people I care about and protective over them. I wonder if someone feels the same way about me too. Not necessarily in a romantic way of course.

Somehow, knowing that someone cares about you, that someone thinks about you, that someone is attentive to your needs rather than their own, even though that someone is a friend, best friend or a lover, it doesn’t really matter who they are because you feel comfort. You feel safe. Even though they’re not physically present. Even though they’re far away. Because just knwowing is enough. Just knowing makes you feel warm. Just knowing doesn’t make you feel lonely anymore even when you’re alone.

I wish someone is like that to me. Because sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who really cares. A one-sided thing.

xx, katastrophicity

Gray Skies and Scattered Rainshowers

You know that feeling when your heart feels heavier and heavier until you find it hard to breathe? That feeling when every move you make is painful, not physically but emotionally because your heart has pleaded your body to not move. That it’s better to just stay still because there would be only less pain.

Flashes in your mind on how you could kill yourself. Or to write letters in case you die anytime now.

But you keep yourself composed. You stay strong. Because when you get out of here, better days will be waiting. You try to stay positive. You try to distract yourself to forget. And for a second, you actually forget. But then it crashes all back to you like a large block of cement. And now you’re stuck.

 

I’m tired of your words constantly dragging me down,

constantly making me feel how worthless I am

constantly making me feel how I can’t be anything that I want to be.

I tried to be what you want me to be, but you still only see the wrong things. What about those things I’ve done right?

What about the things I’ve done good but you don’t know about because I don’t tell you because I just think that you don’t give a damn about me anymore.

I’m so tired of always tolerating you, as you tell me how much you’ve done for me and how did nothing for you.

I think that’s the problem. You forget.

Or maybe you remember but you choose to set it aside because you find it more satisfying that you prove yourself right every single time. That you’re right thinking that I’m selfish, worthless and lazy.

You even compare me to her who’s shown you all her high grades and told you that she’s in the top ten.

So you’re proud of her. You like her. No. You love her and she’s your favorite. Don’t deny it anymore because it’s too obvious.

You don’t even know how hard it is to be in school everyday and deal with people with lessons and professors. You don’t know how lonely I feel sometimes because there’s no one in that school who knows me really. You don’t know how good I’ve done in school. Youalways think that your life is harder than mine.

Let’s stops comparing here. Because my life is hard as it is. And in case you don’t see it, every person has a different kind of hard life. So don’t tell me your life is harder because you’ve never be me and I’d never be you. So stop.

You don’t know how hard it is to put a smile on my face and pretend that everything’s fine because if they’d know who much I’m shattered inside they might not want to hear the pathetic story and would casually change the subject and then I’d be pretending again that it’s fine but I really feel rejected deep inside. So that’s why I don’t tell them.

They don’t have to know.

And now…

I’m so done. I’m going to do the things I’m ought to do. And do the things I want to do for myself and not the the pathetic reason of pleasing you. I’m so tired of doing that. It’s slowly melting me to the ground until there will be nothing left of me. I’d stop this before I get to that point. I’m staying away from you. Less conversations if possible. One word answers. Nods. And gestures.

I think you’ve noticed how I’ve been sleeping a lot. Eating less. Reading more. Staying in my room most of the time. And not talking to you. You’ve noticed.

I know you do because you’re treating me nicely. You talk to me as if you really care. Maybe you do. But I feel that you don’t most of the time. So stop the act. Because if it’s trying to make me feel okay, it’s not. If you’re trying to reach out, I’m backing further away. If you’re trying to make me tell you what’s wrong, I’d never tell you what’s wrong.

If I tell you, what would you do about it? Would it change you? I don’t think so.

Would it make you realize how we’re different from each other? NO. Because you think that if it’s not your way, it’s the wrong way.

It doesn’t work like that.

It doesn’t mean that if I come from you, we’d be identical.

Again. It doesn’t work like that.

You think you’ve done the things that you do for my own good.

But look what you’ve done to me. Take a look and actually see me.

 

xx