When You’re the Single One

It has been a long time since I’ve spend a day with my girl friends. A fun day, full of bonding and just us girls. Without their boyfriends.

I am the only girl in our group who doesn’t have a boyfriend (never had). I’m not bitter about having none. I’m okay with it. I’m fine being alone. And I embrace my independence.

But I just miss those times when I get to bond with my girl friends. Talk about girl stuff and share secrets without their boyfriends lurking around or clinging beside the or the worst of all…taking their attention off me.

I think I’m jealous of their boyfriends. I can’t talk to them like I used to. When I get to share a secret, there’ll be a big possibility that their boyfriends would know about it too. It kind of messes more with my trust issues.

I’m friends with their boyfriends too. We go out together as a group and that’s okay too. And fun most of the time.

I just hope that I could still have my girl friends as a whole. Not just a part of a couple. Because that’s how I see it. Them and their boyfriends are one. And when I get to spend time with one of the pair, I get only a half of them.

I love them.
And they don’t realize that when I love, I give my whole self. My whole to each person that I love.

I just sometimes wish that they’re the same.

Because right now…I’m jealous.

And missing them…

Even though we see each other frequently.

I miss them.

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Adorkable

I’m not sure how long this will last. But it would be really nice if it will last for a very very long time. This friendship isn’t perfect. We have different personalities and all and they clash form time to time. But we manage to stitch things up and I’m glad that each one wants to keep the bond together.

            Our fun may be not fun for others or our fun may be as fun as theirs but we won’t care because it’ our kind of fun. And even though we run out of things to say to each other or even though there are times that the only thing we could say to each other are insults, it doesn’t change the fact that we are friends and there hasn’t been a chaos that we haven’t gone through together.

            We may not admit it but we do care for each other. We defend each other. If one is in trouble, I believe, if not all, most of us are ready to defend that person. I may be overstating stuff or just too grand about the reality of our friendship but that’s how I feel now. I may not feel this tomorrow but tomorrow won’t matter yet because it hasn’t come.

           So for now I will patronize them. How awesome they are. And how they make me laugh so hard that my laugh would sound like an asthmatic seal. How we have the shallowest to the deepest conversations both when we’re drunk and sober. How much fun I feel whenever I’m with them.

            Like what I said. I don’t know how long it’ll last. But I wish it will be for a long time. 

A One-sided Thing

I wonder if there is someone that really cares about me. A person outside my family of course. I wonder if there is someone that actually thinks about me. Someone that looks out for me even though I may not know about it. I wonder if someone is willing to do the things I’m willing, if I’m able, to do for the person I really care about.

I wonder if there is someone that is willing to make time for me even if it’s in short notice. I wonder if there is someone that would sacrifice for me. I wonder if there’s someone that would be happy if they see me happy even though they’re not happy themselves.

I watch out for the people I care about and protective over them. I wonder if someone feels the same way about me too. Not necessarily in a romantic way of course.

Somehow, knowing that someone cares about you, that someone thinks about you, that someone is attentive to your needs rather than their own, even though that someone is a friend, best friend or a lover, it doesn’t really matter who they are because you feel comfort. You feel safe. Even though they’re not physically present. Even though they’re far away. Because just knwowing is enough. Just knowing makes you feel warm. Just knowing doesn’t make you feel lonely anymore even when you’re alone.

I wish someone is like that to me. Because sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who really cares. A one-sided thing.

xx, katastrophicity

Fall To Pieces

And now I let go of these feelings. It will be damn hard. But I will try. And I will succeed. I’ve done this before. It’s the only thing I’ve been doing when in comes to my own lovelife. Getting over someone I never eve dated.

But I bet it’s way less harder than those legit relationships. I never had that before. Maybe that’s why I protect myself. Maybe that’s why I instinctively push them away and not give them a chance. I recoil whenever I see a potential of it growing into something more. I stay away. I don’t trust at all.

Because when I was younger and naïve, I believed that if you are loyal to people , they would be too. So I trusted. I got disappointed. I got betrayed. I got hurt. I as expecting too much from people.

So now I know. Never let them in. Control. Only let them see what I want them to see.

But there are others, my closest friends could see beyond what I let them. And I’m scared. It’s scary to know that someone could read you. That someone knows that you grin all the time when you’re with the person you like.

It’s scary because I become vulnerable. And being vulerable means I have the possibility of being hurt or being betrayed again. Sometimes, I just force myelf and make myself believe that O trust them so that I on’t worrying all the time with them tellings my secrets and all and make fun of me.

So now, I’ve decided that I won’t care. That I won’t give a f*ck anymore. I’ve suffered enough mentally by over thinking. I’m just tired. Tired.

xx katastrophicity

I Only Love You When I’m Drunk

Personally, sometimes, I like being drunk. Especially when the odds aren’t my favor amd everyday is a bad day and I just want to get numb and forget about things a bit. I read it somewhere that getting drunk is like borrowing happiness from tomorrow. So yes, I like the idea of that.

Being drunk is somehow liberating because you tend to let go. You wouldn’t care what anybody else is thinking about you, whether you do splits or lay on the floor like a dead hippo. You wouldn’t care because they don’t. Your valid and most of the time acceptable excuse is that you’re drunk. You are not rational. You don’t think straight when you’re drunk. So they kind of forgive you for that.

And then you laugh so hard and you don’t even know what you’re laughing about anymore.

You’re happy and numb at the same time. You forget things that you want to forget. Or you remember them but it doesn’t hurt anymore.

And then when the night is over, you slowly sober up once again and reality will come falling back on you like a large block of cement. And you’ll pay for the happiness the you borrowed by the hang over, headaches, uneasiness of yor stomach and lack of sleep.

But you would do it again. Why? Because you felt happy. Even for a moment. Even for a night. And a night or moment of happiness is better than none.

I’m not encouraging anyone to get drunk and be an alcoholic. I’m just imparting my feeelings and thoughts every time I drink with my friends. And it’s not even a frequent thing. Once a month or so.

Happy Holidays. Haha

A Single’s Mind

Am I already called asexual if my idea of having a relationship or having a boyfriend will just be holding hands, kissing( not much of this even), hugging, watching movies, sitting in silence, talking about Game of Thrones or whatever movies or tv series we watch, and not have sex, foreplay, and whatever overly intimate deeds that most couple now a days do? 

I’m just wondering. Because I’m the only one in the group who doesn’t have a boyfriend and not fond of the idea of being overly intimate to one’s partner. My friends already had their experiences. I’m open minded about their experiences. We could have these conversations– sex talks, and who kissed who during our sleepover and the like but the idea of me doing it somehow disgusts me. It seems normal to them but not to me. 

And now one friend thinks about setting me up with someone so that I could have a someone.

Can’t I just be single? Alone? and happy? and free?

I mean, I feel lonely sometimes and wonder what it would feel like to have a boyfriend but the thought of my boyfriend asking me to have sex with him immediately appalls me. So I’d rather be single than do that. And because of that, I think now that all guys would ask for more from their girlfriends. So not until a guy comes that would assure that he will hold and suppress his ‘manly urges’ because that’s how he loves me? I would remain single. 

For me, a man that has self-control is more admirable that a man that’s proud because he had been with many girls. 

xx

A Boat

I won’t admit it. I’ll never. But the years passed by so quickly and I still find myself thinking about you like I shouldn’t be. I was over you. So over you. But you visit my mind ocassionally. Feelings rekindle whenever you talk to me and talk about random madness that I don’t really remember much because It’s either I’m really nervous or just simply drunk.

You confuse me sometimes. I’m utterly convinced that we’re just nothing but friends and that’s instilled in my mind already even if my feelings do fluctuate. I know that we’ll be nothing more. But sometimes, you do things that messes all that up. You make me think that there could be something. You do that, even if you don’t intend to do it. I admit that I liked it when we lay on the floor. With your head on my lower leg. I wanted to brush my fingers through your hair but I didn’t because you might think of something. Those were some of the little things.

But then, I remind myself that all of those are nothing. They don’t have any meaning, no meaning at all. I can’t help wondering sometimes…what if. Then, I remind myself again that it’s impossible. You know, I still miss you. Even though I forget about you. It doesn’t make sense. But what does, when it comes to emotions.

I never got over you, I realized. The feelings still do exist. It’s one of the few constant things in my life, actually. I never stopped caring. Even if I don’t show it. Even if I act like I don’t. Even if I ignore you sometimes and pretend that you don’t exist.
I just let go of my fantasy that we could have something more special than friends have. That we could be together. I let go of that fantasy now. And it will stay forgotten. Because when one’s fantasies are gone, reality hits you like a ten-wheeler truck hits you. And it’s easier to recover that way.

Xx