Let It Be

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Let it be. When things aren’t as you expect it to be. 

Let it be. When things don’t go your way.

Let it be. When you expect something and the exact opposite happened.

Let it be. When the people you like don’t like you back.

Let it be. When a person doesn’t stay in your life. 

Let it be. When a tragedy happens. 

Let it be. When anger is slowly rising in your chest and that when you feel like you’re losing control.

Let it be. When everything seems hopeless.

Let it be. When you feel like your life is so mundane and get envy of other people’s adventures in life. 

Let it be. When you just feel so alone and that no one understands you.

Letting things be doesn’t mean that you just get to sit on one side would just watch your life pass you by. It’s about letting things be because the experience, the feelings, the lessons and the new perspective that these negative things that happen in our lives are worthy to be immersed in. For when we feel, that is when we are most human. These negative happenings make us better, stronger and more polished. We are like swords being continuously hit by the blacksmith with his hammer and putting us in the fire and then hammering on us again to make us be the most sensible, strongest and sharpest sword he’d ever made. Let things be because you can’t change it. Pay attention to the things that you can change and you’ll start making the real change that you want. Stressing about the things that you have no control on would only worsen things. So when you feel like everything is just so chaotic and unsolvable, just remember that recurring line in a famous song as you take a deep breath….

Let it be. Let it be. Let it be. Let it be.~

 

xx K

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I Want to Fall in Love with Myself

I don’t wear nice clothes everyday, or powder my face or wear pink lipstick to impress others. I want to impress myself. I do the things I want to do because I do it for myself, not for anyone else.

When I was younger, I struggled with my self-confidence. I wasn’t the typical pretty girl that guys usually fall for. I didn’t have the pale skin that most of the guys prefer. I was a shy, timid, introverted and didn’t think of myself as much. I always thought that no guy would ever like me.

As grew older, I realize that I wouldn’t be truly happy if I continue that way of thinking. I wanted to be free and an unexpected tragic event gave me the chance to be free and to alter my perception of myself. It took time for me to realize what a blessing in disguise that was.

Due to that tragedy, I learned how to lift myself up, cheer myself up and to protect myself. I became stronger. I learned how to put more value to myself because I realized that it was up to me and up to me alone how much I want to value myself.

I started to embrace myself more. There are still times that insecurities lurk in my mind, but that’s normal. I just have to remind myself that whatever insecurites I have, they don’t define my whole being.

I’m still not the prettiest girl around and I still don’t have the sexiest body that most guys want. But I’m okay with it. I don’t dress nicely, fix my hair and wear powder and lipstick to make guys fall for me.

I do it because I want to fall more in love with myself.

As you read this you may think of me as narcissistic, but I think it’s important for all of us to appreciate and love ourselves first before we accept love from others and give love to others. 🙂

xx K

Gray Skies and Scattered Rainshowers

You know that feeling when your heart feels heavier and heavier until you find it hard to breathe? That feeling when every move you make is painful, not physically but emotionally because your heart has pleaded your body to not move. That it’s better to just stay still because there would be only less pain.

Flashes in your mind on how you could kill yourself. Or to write letters in case you die anytime now.

But you keep yourself composed. You stay strong. Because when you get out of here, better days will be waiting. You try to stay positive. You try to distract yourself to forget. And for a second, you actually forget. But then it crashes all back to you like a large block of cement. And now you’re stuck.

 

I’m tired of your words constantly dragging me down,

constantly making me feel how worthless I am

constantly making me feel how I can’t be anything that I want to be.

I tried to be what you want me to be, but you still only see the wrong things. What about those things I’ve done right?

What about the things I’ve done good but you don’t know about because I don’t tell you because I just think that you don’t give a damn about me anymore.

I’m so tired of always tolerating you, as you tell me how much you’ve done for me and how did nothing for you.

I think that’s the problem. You forget.

Or maybe you remember but you choose to set it aside because you find it more satisfying that you prove yourself right every single time. That you’re right thinking that I’m selfish, worthless and lazy.

You even compare me to her who’s shown you all her high grades and told you that she’s in the top ten.

So you’re proud of her. You like her. No. You love her and she’s your favorite. Don’t deny it anymore because it’s too obvious.

You don’t even know how hard it is to be in school everyday and deal with people with lessons and professors. You don’t know how lonely I feel sometimes because there’s no one in that school who knows me really. You don’t know how good I’ve done in school. Youalways think that your life is harder than mine.

Let’s stops comparing here. Because my life is hard as it is. And in case you don’t see it, every person has a different kind of hard life. So don’t tell me your life is harder because you’ve never be me and I’d never be you. So stop.

You don’t know how hard it is to put a smile on my face and pretend that everything’s fine because if they’d know who much I’m shattered inside they might not want to hear the pathetic story and would casually change the subject and then I’d be pretending again that it’s fine but I really feel rejected deep inside. So that’s why I don’t tell them.

They don’t have to know.

And now…

I’m so done. I’m going to do the things I’m ought to do. And do the things I want to do for myself and not the the pathetic reason of pleasing you. I’m so tired of doing that. It’s slowly melting me to the ground until there will be nothing left of me. I’d stop this before I get to that point. I’m staying away from you. Less conversations if possible. One word answers. Nods. And gestures.

I think you’ve noticed how I’ve been sleeping a lot. Eating less. Reading more. Staying in my room most of the time. And not talking to you. You’ve noticed.

I know you do because you’re treating me nicely. You talk to me as if you really care. Maybe you do. But I feel that you don’t most of the time. So stop the act. Because if it’s trying to make me feel okay, it’s not. If you’re trying to reach out, I’m backing further away. If you’re trying to make me tell you what’s wrong, I’d never tell you what’s wrong.

If I tell you, what would you do about it? Would it change you? I don’t think so.

Would it make you realize how we’re different from each other? NO. Because you think that if it’s not your way, it’s the wrong way.

It doesn’t work like that.

It doesn’t mean that if I come from you, we’d be identical.

Again. It doesn’t work like that.

You think you’ve done the things that you do for my own good.

But look what you’ve done to me. Take a look and actually see me.

 

xx

 

Words are the Food of My Ever Wandering Soul

Why I write? It’s not because I want to be heard. It’s not to have many followers (though a lot of followers would be great haha). It’s not because I want to prove something or to point something out that I would want the masses to be aware about like those political and societal stuff and all. I’m not into that. 

The reason why I write and post stuff in blogs like this is to take out a piece of my mind. I don’t mind if no one would be able to read it. I don’t mind if it’s the worst blog posts ever. All I do mind is that I’m able to unburden myself with whatever I keep inside me that I can’t and won’t be able to impart to others, even to my closest friends. 

Blogging is like talking to a friend that could keep all my secrets without judging me, without having these thoughts on the back of its mind and opinions about what I just told it. 

Blogging makes me feel lighter after. Makes me feel so much better. It’s also like talking to myself. I’m not sure in what sense but it’s the kind of talking to myself that no one would think I’m insane and mentally disabled (which I sometimes think I have because of all the unusual thoughts and way of thinking that I have). 

I like writing stories too.

I like writing in general. 

I love words and how I could construct them together and all the words would finally makes sense. 

OH. I’ve just realized something. 

Words are like the things that happen in our lives. They come to us one by one, or all at once, or we still have to find a word that’s missing. But when we get all the words we need, we could form it into a sentence and finally, all the random and almost nonsense words would now make sense.