Dancing Away with my Heart

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(A short story by Katastrophicity)

She glanced through the glass window to see if he’s already there. She called him up early this morning to meet her at the coffee shop that afternoon to tell him something. Something that she couldn’t keep anymore. Something that she’d been keeping all through the years. Was he nervous? Of course he was. She heard it in his voice when he told her ‘I love you’. She said it back, but she was not sure if he believed it.

            When she entered, she immediately saw him at the table outside by the garden. He picked the place she would have picked. She smiled to herself. She went to him. He hasn’t seen her yet. But when he looked up and met her gaze, her heartbeat jumped and started to quicken. She discreetly took a deep breath and almost forced herself to smile reassuringly; reassuring him that everything’s okay, that he has nothing to worry about. But she was not sure about all of it now. She wondered for a second if she could really tell him.

            She thought about their years together. She thought about how it could end in a snap after she tells him. Their friendship could be over.

            “Sel.” Said he, as he smiled when she sat in front of him.

            He already ordered a cup of coffee, black, his favorite. She smiled nervously. But she’s trying to not let him show it. She could see it in his eyes that he’s already thinking about something. He’s already thinking about what she could possibly tell him that she wanted to meet up right away. She could see his mind running. She could see it in his clear blue eyes.

            “How are you? I haven’t seen you in three months after our high school reunion.” He said.

            “I know. I…I was busy at the store. Summer’s coming up so I had to deal with the orders for summer wears and stuff…you shouldn’t hear about all of it. It’s a bore.” She chuckled.

            “Well, I’m just glad that your store is finally getting well known all over the city.” He said as he nodded.

            “Me too. So…uhm. What are you been up to?” She asked.

            “Same old stuff. Learning everything about our family business.”

            “So you’re really doing that? I thought…”

            “Yes. I can do nothing about it. I’m the only heir.”

            She can hear the bitterness in his voice. She’d known him long enough to know and notice everything about him without him telling her. They’d been best friends since they were six. And she also knows that it’s not taking over their family riches that he wants to do in his life.

            She remembered three months ago when they went together to their high school reunion. Seven years after high school, a lot has changed. Some got married and had kids already, some were with their fiancés and then there’s Selene and Sebastian who still seemed inseparable and even went to their high school reunion together as if nothing eve changed. Nothing, yet, but change will happen like a thunder hitting a person in the middle of nowhere. It will happen that night.

            Selene, with her slim figure, she wore a blue dress that flows carelessly and gracefully at the same time, down to her ankle. And a black velvet pumps that made her look so much taller than she already was. Sebastian beside her looked dashing in a midnight blue suit, black leather shoes and his elegant white slim tie. Others would have thought that they planned to have a matching outfit, but they didn’t. Sebastian, when he went over Selene’s apartment to get her, was surprised when he saw her in a blue dress. Selene looked at him and immediately knew what he was thinking. They just laughed about it and affirmed on how much of a best friend they really are to each other.

            They picked a table where Sebastian’s old football team sat with their dates. Mostly were their wives. Two were now professional football players and are famous in the country.

            “So you two finally got together eh?” Brian said as he put his arms around his wife carefully. His wife was leaning her head on his shoulder.

            “No. We’re not together.” Selene said as she and Sebastian looked at each other as they stifled as laugh. Everybody assumed that, they both thought. But they’re best friends.

            “WHAT. After all these years you’re still ‘bestfriends’? c’mon.” Luke, who was a few chairs away from them said as he let his hand fall on the table.

            “Why are you forcing this, guys? It’s not what you think it is.” Sebastian said after he took a sip of red wine.

            “What we have has been platonic and it will always be platonic, right Seb?” Selene said as she elbowed Sebastian lightly.

            Sebastian nodded.

            “So quit it. All of you.” Sebastian pointed at Brian and Luke playfully.

            Brian put his palms up like surrendering. “Alright. Whatever you say.”

 

The night went on fast. There were tribute videos played. Some cried. Sebastian and Selene laughed secretly at them. They loved it. Just like the good old days before they got in the real world when they went to college in the city. Selene went to a fashion design institute while Sebastian into another university where he studied Business.

            They managed to see each other once a week since their schools weren’t that far from each other. Just fifteen minutes away. Selene’s apartment that time was just near her school while Sebastian’s got, of course, his own condominium unit at one of the most expensive neighborhood in the city. Sebastian invited Selene to stay with him but Selene refused. She said that she must learn to stand on her own, which Sebastian respected. But he was always there when Selene needed help.

            They were also in each other’s lives when they had relationships. Selene was the one who always got her heart broken because as what Sebastian told her, she’s easily attached to people and that she trusts people so easily. But then he told her that that’s one thing he envies about her, that she always sees the good side of people. While Sebastian, raised in a family where his parents weren’t around much because of their business and traveling around the world, never learned to trust anyone but Selene. He saw how people took advantage of his father and of him just to get them on their good side to take advantage of them. Sebastian felt that it’s only Selene who never cared about how rich he is. She saw him as him and not as Sebastian the heir to Thorpe Corporation.

            At the end of the night, a song was played. The master of ceremonies said, “Alas, it is a great joy that the past and the present have come together tonight. This night may not last longer than we wish it to be, but may this night be one of the nights that we’ll never forget and would be looking forward to recreate as we journey on our own lives after high school. May this last song be of a reminder that we may not be eighteen anymore, but we will always be eighteen in our hearts. Have a good night everyone!”

            As he walked off the stage, a band came out and a spotlight was on them. Selene felt her heart jumped and stopped and then started beating so quickly that she felt blood rushing to her face. Her eyes widened as the guitar started to be played. She felt Sebastian’s hand beside her. And then the drums. She knew those faces. She had been their fan ever since and now they’re in front of her. She couldn’t believe if that was real. Maybe she was dreaming. Sebastian pulled her up and led her to the center where everybody else started to slow dance. She couldn’t take her eyes off the stage. Sebastian guided her hand on his shoulder and then slid his hand into hers and started to sway side to side as they started singing.

            Sebastian pulled her close and whispered into her ear. “I can see that you’re surprised. It makes all my efforts worth it.”

            Selene looked at him. “What do you mean? You made this possible?”

            Sebastian smiled, almost smugly. “It was hard to get the booking but you know I’ve got connections.”

            They chuckled.

            “I can’t believe this. Lady Antebellum in our high school reunion. This is bizarre.” Selene said almost breathless.

            “I remembered how much you wanted Lady Antebellum at our prom before. And now that I could do something about it, why not grant your wish.”

            “Wow. You remember that. Thank you, Seb. Thank you.”

            “No problem. I’d do anything for you Sel.” He said as he pulled her closer to him. The song’s chorus was coming.

            “You know, this is why they think we have something more than friendship. Normal friends don’t do this to each other.” She said a matter-of-factly.

            “But we’re not normal friends, Sel.” Sebastian answered.

            You have no idea how much you’ve done for me. And this is just a small way to repay for the some of it. Sebastian thought.

            They swayed slowly and in synced, like they were merged into one. Maybe they are. Maybe Selene and Sebastian are one soul, but haven’t just figured it out yet. Sebastian knew that this song was one of Selene’s favorite songs of Lady Antebellum and he requested personally that they’d play this song at their reunion. He also got Selene a collection of their albums with their signatures on it. He knew how Selene would be so psyched out when he would give it to her on her birthday five months from now. He felt her so close to him and he wished that the song wouldn’t end in three minutes. He wished it he could be with her longer.

            I haven’t seen you in ages. Sometimes I find myself wondering where you are. For me you’ll always be eighteen and beautiful and dancing away with my heart.

 

“I’ve ordered for you.” Sebastian said as the waiter arrived with an iced latte with whipped cream on top. Just what Selene would have wanted it.

            “Thanks.” She said and then she took a sip.

            “So,” Sebastian hesitated. “What was it you wanted to tell me?”

            “Oh, uhm.” Selene started to brace herself.

            What she’s about to say requires from her a lot of courage. This is a leap of faith. And whatever happens after this, she would accept it either way.

            “What is it? Is something wrong?” Sebastian reached for her hand. Selene let him.

            “No. Nothing’s wrong. I…I just…The last three months, I’ve been thinking…” She started and then paused as she looked at Sebastian as if waiting for his permission for her to continue.

            “I’ve been thinking about….you.”

            She felt adrenaline take over her and perhaps didn’t even hear what Sebastian said, who was somehow surprised.

            “Me?”

            “I am precariously in love with you, Sebastian. At first I thought that it’s nothing. But it’s not Nothing. I kept on denying it to myself. But you see, it’s everything from the beginning. I’ve always been in love with you. It’s not just a best friend thing kind of love what I feel for you. When you danced with me at prom, you were the only one I’ve only thought about dancing with. And when I had all those bad relationships, I kept on coming back to you. And I will keep on coming back to you, Sebastian. You must have not known how much you affect me. You do not know how much my life would suck if you’re not in it. And when you got Lady Antebellum to play at our high school reunion…that was…and when we danced, it felt like I’m with you and only you and not with everybody else who were dancing in the same room as we did. I am in love with you in the most innocent way. I crave for your presence. And even when we would just sit side by side, without any physical contact and would just talk and talk endlessly, that would be enough.” She paused and just looked into Sebastian’s eyes as if she was looking for something. “I have…said what’s purely in my heart. And I’m glad. Now, tell me. Do you not feel the same?” She said it in almost a whisper, like she was in pain.

            She was scared of his answer. She was scared that he would say no. She was scared that by what she did, everything between them would come to an end. But she drew courage from one thing that had been keeping her from running away. Hope.

            “Sel, I….” He straightened on his seat and leaned closer to Selene. “I wish things could be different…I wish…I wish you told me earlier. I…”

            “What do you mean?” Selene didn’t move. She just felt her stomach sinking, together with her heart, slowly making their way on to the ground as if getting ready to be stepped on. She knew it. She knew he’d never feel the same way. She shouldn’t have done this, she thought.

            “I love you, Sel. So much. And I’ve…been secretly in love with you for a long time.” Sebastian said carefully.

            Selene’s heart almost leaped but then she stopped herself. She knew there was something more. So much more that he wanted to say. So she waited.

            “But…” He started and he looked down.

            “But what…but what Sebastian?” She said almost in a whisper. She wasn’t even sure if Sebastian would have heard it if they weren’t this close to each other.

            Then Sebastian looked at her deep into her dark green eyes that he knew so well. He couldn’t believe that he could make those eyes be full of tears as he would say what he was about to say. And there’s no other way to say it but truthfully.

            “I’m engaged. To be married.”

 

*End*

A Love a Lot Like in the Books

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Call me an ideal person or a delusional one, but I’m still dreaming and hoping for that kind of love to come in my life that are like in the books. That kind of love that overcomes everything. That kind of love that I finally find the reason why I’m living and that that person is the only reason after all. That kind of love that that person accepts me entirely for who I am and for who I am not and for who I am underneath all my masks. And even when all the masks come off at the end of the day, that person will still love me and all my flaws and all the unacceptable things that I find in myself won’t make that person love me less. 

A love like in the books, to find that person would never give up on me, would use words, or music, or literature to woo me. That person would make me feel so special. Everyone wants to feel that they’re special anyway. That kind of love that even in silence, it is still felt in an overwhelming way. That kind of love that would make other kinds of love so little and unimportant. A love that is immeasurable. A love that doesn’t end even when the book has ended. That kind of love that would make me stop dreaming and wishing about what kind of man or what kind of love I want to have because I finally have that person and would know that it is that person is what I’ve been waiting for. 

It is only in the rarest times that I allow myself to think about love and having a person to love in an intimate and romantic way. And it is only in these rarest times that I let myself dream and hope of the love that I want to have in my life. A love a lot like in the books. 

xx, K

I Want to Fall in Love with Myself

I don’t wear nice clothes everyday, or powder my face or wear pink lipstick to impress others. I want to impress myself. I do the things I want to do because I do it for myself, not for anyone else.

When I was younger, I struggled with my self-confidence. I wasn’t the typical pretty girl that guys usually fall for. I didn’t have the pale skin that most of the guys prefer. I was a shy, timid, introverted and didn’t think of myself as much. I always thought that no guy would ever like me.

As grew older, I realize that I wouldn’t be truly happy if I continue that way of thinking. I wanted to be free and an unexpected tragic event gave me the chance to be free and to alter my perception of myself. It took time for me to realize what a blessing in disguise that was.

Due to that tragedy, I learned how to lift myself up, cheer myself up and to protect myself. I became stronger. I learned how to put more value to myself because I realized that it was up to me and up to me alone how much I want to value myself.

I started to embrace myself more. There are still times that insecurities lurk in my mind, but that’s normal. I just have to remind myself that whatever insecurites I have, they don’t define my whole being.

I’m still not the prettiest girl around and I still don’t have the sexiest body that most guys want. But I’m okay with it. I don’t dress nicely, fix my hair and wear powder and lipstick to make guys fall for me.

I do it because I want to fall more in love with myself.

As you read this you may think of me as narcissistic, but I think it’s important for all of us to appreciate and love ourselves first before we accept love from others and give love to others. 🙂

xx K

Dream Entry

It started with me walking home. A neighbor asked me when we’ll be going to the cemetery because she wanted to go with us. She wanted a free ride. I think it was All Soul’s Day.

Then at the house, I was with my work mates. It was our old house We were having dinner, I think. We were celebrating something. And then a part of the house was our office. Our manager called us.

He said not to eat that one dish because it’s spoiled. So we all agreed. And then when they were all gone, I tried to taste that food but it wasn’t spoiled. It was far from spoiled. It was delicious. The manager caught me so I told him that I didn’t think the food was spoiled.

He told me that I shouldnt tell anyone. It was kind of a threat. So I got a little scared. I didn’t understand why he would make it a big deal about me telling the others about the food

When I got back to the kitchen where my work mates were, I told them what happened. Because I was scared. And I made them promise not to tell.

It was a blur what happened next.
I just remember this next scene which was far from the first one.

We were entering the mansion of a family where we will live from that day on. I didn’t know why. I think my mum married the man who owned the mansion.
In real life my mum and dad are still together. So I don’t understand why she would marry another man in my dream. Well it’s a dream. So…

It had an enormous front lawn with short green grasses and a huge tree at the far left. It was a colorful day. I only dream in colors so rarely.
The man had a son, about my age, I forgot his face, and a daughter and a youngest son. Or was that a cousin, I forgot. The mansion was so beautiful. There were a lot of people but I didn’t remember their faces. I wasn’t looking at them.

I remember roaming around. In my dream it seemed that our families were close. So I took the freedom of checking the rooms. Looking for empty rooms where I’ll be staying.
But the funny thing is that I found myself looking for the eldest son’s room. In my dream we were sort of friends too. And we got along.

I checked each room and checked the things in the room if I’d find any sign of him owining the room.

The first room I opened, I was sure it was the youngest son’s room because it said at the door “Welcome awesome Wizard of Hogwarts”

I moved on until I found this toilet. When I opened it, at the other side of the toilet was a blue door with a smokey square glass on the top part. It must be someone’s room because I saw figures. And I heard noises. Someone was playing the guitar and the others were laughing. So I closed it and moved on to the next. I didn’t think it was his room because I thought he was still downstairs with the other family members.

I remember thinking that it was a strange room because it was a room within a toilet.

Having no idea which room was his, I asked the help. She pointed me the toilet where I just opened a while ago.
So I went back and decided to open the blue door. I was startled. Like my eyes widened and my mouth dropped open. He was there. And looked like all of his friends were too.

“Sorry.” I said as I recoiled to close the door.

But he stopped me and let me in.
So I went in. I smiled awkwardly to his friends and found an empty corner where I decided to stay. Another funny thing is that I lay down on the corner of his closet and coiled under the clothes. I didn’t know why.

Then he went to me and told me it was one of his favorite places too. I smiled and sat up.
I didn’t know why but his friends started to leave. I checked out his room.
I liked that it was isolated. It was so hidden and secured. On the corner of his room there was an opening. Just a small opening at the bottom of the wall runs from end to end where I could see a hallway in the mansion and people passing by.

He started to talk to me. I stood and saw that there was only a friend left.
I think that we were really close because I immediately fell on my back lying on his bed and closed my eyes. I felt him lying above my head.

I heard the last friend left. It was just the two of us.

We were talking but I forgot what we were talking about.
My feet were dangling on the bottom of his bed and my arms were spread to my sides.

And then he put a black cloth on my face. Then he said:

“So that the world will not see you when you don’t want to.”

I didn’t know why but I nodded and almost cried. But I didn’t. I felt an emotion. Sadness. Emptiness. It was bizarre. It seemed like we understood each other beyond explanations. We understood each other’s souls like we’ve known each other for an eternity. He understood me without me uttering the words which I most of the time fail to use in expressing myself.

I felt his hand on mine and we were just like that for a moment. I liked it. It didn’t feel malicious. It was an innocent, friendly physical contact. And it felt that holding each other’s hand was enough.

Then a while later, we heard my mom calling for us. I told him to ignore but he said we should go. So we did. Mum said that lunch was ready.

Mum was suspicious. I felt it. So I told her that the guy’s room was great. I tried to be over cheerful and all. He had this and he had that in his room and I pretended that I forgot the guy’s name so I asked him.

And it came out that I did really forgot his name. I thought his name was Trey but it was not. I don’t know where the Trey came from. Now I forgot the name that he said when he corrected me.

The next part was blurry. We went to the mall to shop. I was with him, his sister, and mum.

We had this secret. A quiet one. I could feel it in the way we looked at each other. A secret that we don’t think we needed to share to others but ourselves. It was a nice feeling having someone understands you so deeply even just in a dream.

And that’s all I could remember because I was woke up with a loud knock on my door.

xx K

When You’re the Single One

It has been a long time since I’ve spend a day with my girl friends. A fun day, full of bonding and just us girls. Without their boyfriends.

I am the only girl in our group who doesn’t have a boyfriend (never had). I’m not bitter about having none. I’m okay with it. I’m fine being alone. And I embrace my independence.

But I just miss those times when I get to bond with my girl friends. Talk about girl stuff and share secrets without their boyfriends lurking around or clinging beside the or the worst of all…taking their attention off me.

I think I’m jealous of their boyfriends. I can’t talk to them like I used to. When I get to share a secret, there’ll be a big possibility that their boyfriends would know about it too. It kind of messes more with my trust issues.

I’m friends with their boyfriends too. We go out together as a group and that’s okay too. And fun most of the time.

I just hope that I could still have my girl friends as a whole. Not just a part of a couple. Because that’s how I see it. Them and their boyfriends are one. And when I get to spend time with one of the pair, I get only a half of them.

I love them.
And they don’t realize that when I love, I give my whole self. My whole to each person that I love.

I just sometimes wish that they’re the same.

Because right now…I’m jealous.

And missing them…

Even though we see each other frequently.

I miss them.

Fall To Pieces

And now I let go of these feelings. It will be damn hard. But I will try. And I will succeed. I’ve done this before. It’s the only thing I’ve been doing when in comes to my own lovelife. Getting over someone I never eve dated.

But I bet it’s way less harder than those legit relationships. I never had that before. Maybe that’s why I protect myself. Maybe that’s why I instinctively push them away and not give them a chance. I recoil whenever I see a potential of it growing into something more. I stay away. I don’t trust at all.

Because when I was younger and naïve, I believed that if you are loyal to people , they would be too. So I trusted. I got disappointed. I got betrayed. I got hurt. I as expecting too much from people.

So now I know. Never let them in. Control. Only let them see what I want them to see.

But there are others, my closest friends could see beyond what I let them. And I’m scared. It’s scary to know that someone could read you. That someone knows that you grin all the time when you’re with the person you like.

It’s scary because I become vulnerable. And being vulerable means I have the possibility of being hurt or being betrayed again. Sometimes, I just force myelf and make myself believe that O trust them so that I on’t worrying all the time with them tellings my secrets and all and make fun of me.

So now, I’ve decided that I won’t care. That I won’t give a f*ck anymore. I’ve suffered enough mentally by over thinking. I’m just tired. Tired.

xx katastrophicity