Goodbye my almost lover

And now you have inflicted a suffering that will haunt me for a long time. If it hadn’t started, even as a joke, I never would have grown these feelings. No matter how I try to stop them, no matter how I try to pretend they don’t exist, I get slapped by reality as I caught myself thinking about you (and smiling). That’s not right. That’s the time when I realized that it has somehow affected me. That even though I’m putting all my defenses up and putting up this front of having a cold heart, you have somehow got past through it. Almost, but not quite there yet.

So before everything will come to it’s worst (like being awkward with each other), I will stop this. I will do everything to take these, whatever this is in my heart, out.

Just like now. It has been a bit of a long time since we last saw each other. I admit that I miss you. But it’s obvious that you’re creatig this distance. And this ‘distance’ hurts me. And I don’t want it to hurt me. I don’t want aything you do or say hurt me or affect me in any way.

So I carry this struggle. And as long as I have this I will remain to have my walls up.

Xx katastrophicity

Advertisements

Not Real

This feeling. I’m confused. You do this. You do that. You say things. And I don’t know if it’s real or not. Sometimes I almost believe it. But then I tell myself, it’s not real, not real, not real. And then I go back to my senses again.

image

I talk to you like all of those things never happened. I admit that I pretend everything’s okay, so clear, so trasparent. But please, you must admit there’s a fine gray line there. Or maybe it’s just one sided. Yeah, maybe it’s just one sided.

But can you blame to feel and think this way? Do you realize the things you’re doing and the effect it has on me?

Don’t worry. I expect nothing from you. I don’t expect this to be serious. And I tell myself once more and over and over again…NOT REAL.

xx katastrophicity

“At the End of the Rainbow by Katastrophicity” (1)

I decided to spend the day touring around the city alone. I live here. I was born here. But I haven’t really taken the time to actually see it. In twenty years, this is the first time that I will roam around it. To go to the tourist spots that I’ve never been in to. Some of them I’ve been, once. But never returned.

I don’t know exactly what was it that doesn’t want me to come back. I don’t know why, despite what my friends told me, despite their and my parents’ invitation, I declined to go with them. And it’s only now that I have the interest and maybe the curiosity to actually go.

I’m not exactly the outgoing person as what you’d expect me to be when you see my family. My family is like fireworks. They have their individual shine, their own light and energy and when they all gather together, they’d be like a fireworks display, while I on the sidelines will just be laughing and reacting to whatever craziness they’re up to.

I’m into books and writing and being in solitude. I appreciate the silence while others don’t. I appreciate the walking around the campus alone because I can think to myself, while others feel awkward about it. I feel comfortable going to watch movies alone, while others don’t. I appreciate the grayness of the skies in some days, while others dread it because they don’t want to rain. And I love the rain and how it smells.

I bring my camera with me and instead of taking my car, I decide to take the bus instead. So that I could feel like a real tourist. I have no class today. My roommate decided to spend the day with her boyfriend who came to visit from another city. I’m sure they’d be using the room so, I’m induced to go without being asked.

I’m going to the zoo first.

I sit at the back of the bus and stare out the window. It could be a perfect movie moment if not for this middle aged man who sits beside me and smells like a dead rat. And alcohol. My nose cringe and I try to breathe slowly but I couldn’t help it. So I press my nose on my shoulder to not be so rude. I try to act cool. But this is nowhere near cool.

Thank goodness, the zoo!

I stand up right away and almost stumbled as I stomp my way toward the exit door. Good thing a guy caught me. ‘Careful.’ He says with a smile. ‘Thanks’ I reply and I turn towards the door waiting for the bus to stop for it to open. The bus finally stops and I get out immediately.

I buy my ticket and I enter the zoo. I feel like a five-year-old kid having her first trip to the zoo. Well, this is my first time. But I’m not five anymore. I take pictures. Of people. Of animals. I smile to myself as I see some kids grin as they see the elephant raises its trunk. It’s like it has given them an ultimate happiness. I take their pictures too. My wall would be so full of pictures of my today’s mini travel.

I go ahead to the aquarium. It’s an underground aquarium. I mean, it’s like a tunnel. You have to enter a tunnel like pathway and all around you will be the aquarium. You’d feel like you’re underwater. No flash while taking pictures so I put off my flash. I take pictures of the stingrays passing above me. And the smaller sharks. I call out Nemo right away, and excitedly, when I see a school of clown fish. I turn my head to the sides to see if anyone heard me and think I’m nuts. A twenty-year-old calling out Nemo. Ha-ha. Very immature.

The only one I see is this boy, giggling as he looks at me. He’s looking at the clown fishes too. And now he’s moved closer to me. ‘You like Nemo?’ he speaks funny because he’s missing a front tooth. I smile. ‘The movie? Yes. I loved it, even. How about you?’ ‘I don’t like Nemo. Nemo is a bad kid, my mom said.’ I lean down closer to him.  ‘Why is Nemo a bad kid?’ I ask sounding curious. ‘Well, he never listens to his dad, he’s so stubborn that’s why he’s taken away by the divers.’

I lean my back against the aquarium. ‘He’s a bad kid at first, but he learned from it, didn’t he?’ I speak very gently. Like the tone everybody uses when speaking to a child. ‘He did. I still don’t like him, though.’ I smile. ‘I can’t force you on that.’ I pat his head lightly. ‘What’s your name?’ he asks. ‘Dani’ I say. I’m about to ask him his name too but he says something first, ‘I like Dory’ He says as he flashes his smile with a missing tooth. ‘Really’ I say. Then he points to a direction where my eyes immediately follow. ‘Dory is right there if you want to check it out.’ He pulls my hand and brings me to wherever Dory is. And then we stop. He points again. There they are a school of “Dorys”.

‘They’re so cute.’ I say as I watch them. I take a picture. ‘Can you take a picture of me and my uncle? He had no class today so he was asked to take me here. And we don’t really have a picture together and he’s like my big brother so…’  he looks at me with this big brown begging eyes. How could I say no? ‘Of course. Where’s your uncle?’ I say.

The kid turns his head, stretching it up as if he could see over the small crowd. ‘There he is’ he says as he pulls my hand again, dragging me through the crowd. He’s small so he doesn’t have to need much space passing through. While I, a full grown woman have to apologize whenever I hit someone on the shoulder.

When there’s no more crowd. I see the uncle he’s talking about. Based on his back. He’s about my age. In college too most probably because he said that his uncle has no class today. Which means we go to the same university because it’s only us who’s got a holiday because it’s our school’s foundation day and we celebrated the last three days and today’s a kind of a rest day for everyone and it’s a Thursday so…it’s most likely we go the same university. Just saying.

He’s standing by the smaller aquariums with his hands on his hips. He has a clean cut hair and wide shoulders. His head keeps turning form side to side as if looking for something. ‘Sebastian!’ the kid calls. The guy turns right away and looks at the kid with relief. ‘Gregory’ he says as he exhales deeply. ‘Where have you been? I’ve been looking all over for you. I was beginning to consider going to security.’ He kneels down on one knee with his hands on Gregory’s shoulders. He looks really worried.

‘I’m sorry, Seb. I just saw this pretty lady looking at Nemo.’ Gregory says and I immediately feel my cheeks blush. Pretty lady looking at Nemo. Who wouldn’t laugh. I wouldn’t. But Seb did. I saw him chuckle for a second. And then he looks at me as he stands up. ‘I’m sorry. He’s just really interested in pretty girls. In this young age…’ he chuckles again as he shakes his head.

‘I asked her to take our picture.’ Gregory says as he grabs the hem of his shirt. ‘You did what?’ Seb asks in a loud whisper looking at me and then back to Gregory as if already scolding him through his eyes. ‘I said we never have our picture taken. And she was taking pictures of fishes and I saw her take pictures of other people, too, before I went to her. I thought it be okay.’ Gregory’s high pitched voice was like a violin being played by someone new at playing violin. But he’s very adorable.

‘You shouldn’t have done that.’ Seb explains. ‘No. It’s okay.’ I interrupt. Finally, I spoke. I turn on my camera and nod my head again to Seb, reassuring him that it’s okay. He smiles back sheepishly as he positions him with Gregory in front with his hands on Gregory’s shoulders. I take three pictures and show it to them. Seb tells me that it’s okay if I delete it after. I say that it’s fine and that I could add this to my collection of my today’s trip.

‘So you’re a tourist? Where you from?’ he asks as we continue to walk around the zoo. ‘I’m not a tourist exactly. I’ve been living here for twenty years but it’s only now that I decide to visit these kinds of places.’ ‘Why’s that?’ ‘I don’t know. Maybe I’ve always thought that they’re always here so what’s the rush in going to all of them.’ I could feel his eyes on me but I don’t look back. ‘So what changed your mind and finally made you go here?’

I’m silent for a moment.

 

part 2 https://katastrophicity.wordpress.com/2013/10/16/at-the-end-of-the-rainbow-2/

“At the End of the Rainbow” (2)

‘Because I realized that maybe this zoo will not be always here, maybe someday this would be gone, too.’ I say in a shaky voice but I keep myself composed.

‘Oh.’ Is all that he says. I know he could feel something is more to it but he doesn’t ask more. ‘Where are you planning to go next?’ He asks in a casual tone.

‘To the museum. I’ve been there once in a school trip last year for one of my majors but I haven’t really enjoyed the trip with my classmates ranting about how boring it was to be in an art museum. But I don’t find it boring though. I love art. I guess I just got offended on behalf of the museum.’ I chuckle.

‘Could Greg and I could go with you? I mean…’ he looks down uncomfortably ‘I’m asked to take Greg out today so…and he seems to really like you.’ He gestures his hand towards Gregory getting excited about the giraffes and calling us to come over. We’re walking now to Gregory and then I say, ‘Sure. It would be fun.’ I smile as I look at him. He smiles too but his smile was kind of the surprised smile. Like he wasn’t expecting me to say yes.

‘Look! Look! Their mouths are funny when they eat!’ Gregory says excitedly. I take a picture of the giraffes. And then I take a stolen picture of Seb and Gregory looking up at the giraffes. I like taking stolen shots because it’s where the Truth is.

We take another half an hour to go around the zoo and then we walk towards the museum just a few blocks away. The weather is just mildly cold so it wouldn’t be uncomfortable. Seb buys us a hotdog sandwich.

‘Gregory told me earlier that the reason you were asked to bring him today was that you have no class. You’re studying in SLU, right?’ I say almost flatly. He looks at me amused and surprised at the same time. ‘Yes, how did you know that?’ ‘I just figured it out. Cos…I go there too. And it’s only us who have no class today.’

‘Right. Wait…’ He stares at me. ‘Why did you stop?’ Gregory says but Seb ignores him. ‘Maybe that’s why you look so familiar.’ Seb says as he smiles widely. ‘I see you sometimes in one of the least crowded corridors sitting on the cold floor reading a book. Is that you? Am I right?’ He says excitedly as we start to walk again. He holds Gregory’s hand instinctively without taking his eyes off me.

I laugh softly. ‘Yes, that would be me.’ ‘What’s the library for?’ He asks teasingly. ‘I can’t sleep in the library, it’s too bright.’ ‘And what’s your room for?’ ‘Well, whenever you see me in that corridor, my roommate is currently with her boyfriend in our room so…’ He nods ‘Ah. Yes I get it.’ He chuckles with disbelief.

‘The odds of us seeing each other in the campus is like fifty percent. And another twenty five percent for the reason of your department building is next to my department building so…in total, there’s a seventy-five percent chance of us to meet each other in the campus and we beat the odds by meeting in the zoo.’ He says as we stop on a painting and look at it. Well, I don’t know if Seb’s looking at it but I’m sure I am.

‘Does it count? Because you saw me already.’ I say. ‘It still counts. I only saw you from afar and you didn’t see me.’ He insists. ‘Okay. We beat the odds.’ I say sort of amused.

Seb and Gregory are like my pill for today. My painkillers. I don’t know if this would end today, but today is all I needed for a break. So just today would do.

Gregory drags me to this other painting, leaving Seb to the previous one. I look at him and shrug. He follows behind. ‘This painting is like mom and dad’s picture in our house.’ Gregory says. ‘Really?’ I look at it. ‘It’s beautiful.’ I say. It really is. It’s a couple on a bench. The painter really showed how in love the couple in the painting is. And with Gregory comparing this picture with his parents’ picture, he must really have an awesome family.

‘The picture was years before they had Gregory. After having Gregory, everything changed.’ Seb whispers to my ear, careful not to let Gregory hear. He’s too engrossed staring at the painting. I look at him, surprised. Changed? Good change or bad change? I couldn’t ask him now. Gregory is looking at us. ‘I wish they could have another picture like that.’ He says. I smile to him sympathetically. ‘They would. You could ask them, you know.’ I say. I feel Seb’s hand on my shoulder as if signaling me to stop.

‘Who wants more hotdog sandwich?’ Seb says in a lively voice. But it’s obvious that he’s forcing it. At least for me it is. ‘I want ice cream.’ Gregory says. Good. He’s going with it. ‘Okay. Let’s go get ice cream.’ I say.

We get Gregory ice cream despite the mildly cold weather. We’re now at the central park. There are teenagers playing Frisbee at the open ground and some kids younger than Gregory are at the playground with their parents watching their every move. ‘Can I borrow your camera?’ Gregory says as he reaches his hands towards me. ‘Sure’ I take it off from my neck and give it to him. ‘Just be careful, it’s heavy.’ He grins as he walks towards the playground. This makes me worry, but only a little. But the worry slowly diminishes as he starts to take pictures. He looks so cute, so adorable. Like a miniature photographer.

Seb and I sit at a nearby bench where we can still see Gregory. We’re quiet for a moment. None of us seems to mind the silence. No one’s pressured to start a conversation. It’s a comfortable silence. Then Seb turns his head to look at me. ‘Thank you.’ He says. I’m not sure for what. So I ask him. ‘For today. For making Gregory happy.’ He says it genuinely. ‘I’m the one who should be thankful…’

‘Can I see you at lunch tomorrow?’ he interrupts. I turn my head sharply to him in surprise.

‘Careful now. I get weirder and weirder as you get to know me.’ I chuckle.

‘I like weird.’

‘You’re just saying that. But you don’t.’

‘I can be weird sometimes too.’

‘How weird?’ I ask as if challenging him into a who’s-weirder-than-who battle.

‘I can’t tell you, you have to get to know me first.’

Silence. I stare at him.

‘Well played.’ I smiled, satisfied by his answer.

Gregory gives me back the camera. ‘Thanks Dani. I think I could be photographer now. I take a lot of pictures.’  ‘You could take your parents’ picture now.’ I say as I smile wildly at him. He just flashes me with his smile and runs back to the play ground.

‘What’s with his mom and dad?’ I say. And then I regret it as soon as I say it because I don’t have the right to meddle in their personal lives. We just met today. ‘I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have asked that.’ I say right away.

Silence.

‘Gregory’s mom, my sister-in-law had an affair before they had Greg. So when she got pregnant, my older brother didn’t fully believe that Gregory is his son. My sister-in-law assured that she ended the affair the year before. My brother decided to believe her anyway for Gregory. And Gregory looks like him when he was a child. But the relationship between him and his wife never went back to the way it was.’

‘Oh.’ Is all I could say.

Silence.

Part 3 https://katastrophicity.wordpress.com/2013/10/16/at-the-end-of-the-rainbow-33/

Complexities

There comes a time that you’d feel like you never knew each other. Like you’ve never been friends. It’s as if that the eleven years starts to fade in your memories, slowly, bit by bit, scene by scene. And now you feel that you’ve just knew about their existence but not who they are anymore.

At first, you were just like ‘it’s normal, it’s part of growing up.’. You thought that it’s just normal to start having your own lives and to not see each other for a few weeks but at least you still make efforts to see each other after two weeks or so. To catch up. Your love lives never bothered the intimacy of your friendship. It was never an issue. They are both your friends after all.

But when you go with all of them with their guys with them (though you didn’t feel left out, unless they go into their love bubble from time to time and you just sit there trying not to feel or look awkward), you’re reminded (because they remind you) of your single-ness which you don’t really mind about. But when you’re with them, they make it a big deal.

So you’re okay with it anyway. Or at least trying to be okay with it.

You still found time to go out and watch movies with them, eat with them. Even though people may see you as their third wheel. But you ignored the thought.

But things obviously changed. It’s inevitable. Change is a constant thing they say.

So what did you do? You tried to keep up with it, you went with the flow so you wouldn’t find yourself drowning in the end.

You don’t see each other much anymore. They don’t ask how you are doing. But of course you’ve considered that they could be busy with school, with life generally.But you can’t help thinking…do they just contact you because they need you? And when you’re not needed, it just seem that you don’t exist anymore? Or you exist…but you just don’t seem useful to them.

It saddens you and it makes you question your worth to them. It makes you question their loyalty.

When you’re falling off ‘the cliff’ you somehow expected that someone would pull you back up, or catch you when you fall to the ground so that the fall wouldn’t be that painful. But it was only you who struggled and clawed your way back up. And then you realized that either way, you’re on your own.

You found salvation in fiction books that you read because it takes you away from reality for a while. And they don’t really understand this thing you have with books. They just don’t

One evening, you were in your room, thinking, just thinking. A thought came into your mind. It was like stars formed into constellations. And then you asked yourself.

‘What is it that most of the books you read taught you?’

What did Katniss Everdeen, Tris Prior, Melanie Stryder/Wanda, Saba, and other protagonists and occasionally the antagonists taught you?’

And finally, all the readings and all the almost sleepless nights and all the mocks you’ve received because you’re the girl who reads fiction books and because you fangirl over fictional characters, finally paid off, because it taught you something, something very important and applicable…

That despite everything that goes against you. despite everyone leaving you and making you feel like you’re all alone, despite the changes that happen around you and within you…

You must keep moving forward.

xx

A Single’s Mind

Am I already called asexual if my idea of having a relationship or having a boyfriend will just be holding hands, kissing( not much of this even), hugging, watching movies, sitting in silence, talking about Game of Thrones or whatever movies or tv series we watch, and not have sex, foreplay, and whatever overly intimate deeds that most couple now a days do? 

I’m just wondering. Because I’m the only one in the group who doesn’t have a boyfriend and not fond of the idea of being overly intimate to one’s partner. My friends already had their experiences. I’m open minded about their experiences. We could have these conversations– sex talks, and who kissed who during our sleepover and the like but the idea of me doing it somehow disgusts me. It seems normal to them but not to me. 

And now one friend thinks about setting me up with someone so that I could have a someone.

Can’t I just be single? Alone? and happy? and free?

I mean, I feel lonely sometimes and wonder what it would feel like to have a boyfriend but the thought of my boyfriend asking me to have sex with him immediately appalls me. So I’d rather be single than do that. And because of that, I think now that all guys would ask for more from their girlfriends. So not until a guy comes that would assure that he will hold and suppress his ‘manly urges’ because that’s how he loves me? I would remain single. 

For me, a man that has self-control is more admirable that a man that’s proud because he had been with many girls. 

xx

Attachments

Image

I’ve read a lot of books before this. And it’s in my other blog. I forgot its password so…

Attachments is about a guy named Lincoln who got a job as an ‘IT guy’ at The Courier. He is supposed to check e-mails of the employees making sure that they are not violating any office rules. Then there’s Beth and Jennifer. Their e-mails always get flagged so Lincoln always has to read them. As he gets to read their e-mails almost everyday, he starts to fall for one of them. And he doesn’t know if it’s right or wrong, or whether he should stop or not.

It’s a good book. I give it a 3.5-4 out of 5. I wasn’t really planning to buy it at the bookstore when I first saw it. The bookstore was on sale so I checked on the books. And then I got excited how low the prices went down. So I started to think that I could buy one if I find a book worth buying. And then I came across this. It looked old. Like it has been on display for years and have been touched, scanned or read a bunch of times. I read the back part of the book. It didn’t seem to interest me. I went back to it twice. I was about to give up on buying it. But there was something inside me that urged me to read it, to give it a chance.

So I did. I read the book. And it was one of the most unexpected, beautiful, funny and heart warming books I’ve ever read. Do you know that feeling when you finally felt you found ‘The One’? I don’t know how would that feel either because I haven’t had any relationships, yet(HAHA). But the feeling I had when I finished Attachments, it felt like I found The One, I think, that’s how it would feel like if I will find my The One. I didn’t know what will happen to them. I didn’t know how it would end. Everything felt so right. Everything was in place.

When I’m done reading, I spent the next five minutes spazzing and rolling on my bed. And then I called a friend and shared to her my sentiments. She asked me to borrow the book and when we hung up, I went back to rolling around, but on the floor this time. It’s one of those books that would take you by surprise. It’s one of those books that you would think at first that it’s just meh, blah or okay but then as you read through it something is planted in your heart and in your mind and would grow inside and would remain planted in you for a long long time.

It’s one of those books that I would hardly forget. I will always remember this one. I will always remember a love like Lincoln’s. I love how his love grew. I love the way he loves. And I love the way he called his love ‘Love at before sight’.

xx