Call me an ideal person or a delusional one, but I’m still dreaming and hoping for that kind of love to come in my life that are like in the books. That kind of love that overcomes everything. That kind of love that I finally find the reason why I’m living and that that person is the only reason after all. That kind of love that that person accepts me entirely for who I am and for who I am not and for who I am underneath all my masks. And even when all the masks come off at the end of the day, that person will still love me and all my flaws and all the unacceptable things that I find in myself won’t make that person love me less.
A love like in the books, to find that person would never give up on me, would use words, or music, or literature to woo me. That person would make me feel so special. Everyone wants to feel that they’re special anyway. That kind of love that even in silence, it is still felt in an overwhelming way. That kind of love that would make other kinds of love so little and unimportant. A love that is immeasurable. A love that doesn’t end even when the book has ended. That kind of love that would make me stop dreaming and wishing about what kind of man or what kind of love I want to have because I finally have that person and would know that it is that person is what I’ve been waiting for.
It is only in the rarest times that I allow myself to think about love and having a person to love in an intimate and romantic way. And it is only in these rarest times that I let myself dream and hope of the love that I want to have in my life. A love a lot like in the books.
It has been a long time since I’ve spend a day with my girl friends. A fun day, full of bonding and just us girls. Without their boyfriends.
I am the only girl in our group who doesn’t have a boyfriend (never had). I’m not bitter about having none. I’m okay with it. I’m fine being alone. And I embrace my independence.
But I just miss those times when I get to bond with my girl friends. Talk about girl stuff and share secrets without their boyfriends lurking around or clinging beside the or the worst of all…taking their attention off me.
I think I’m jealous of their boyfriends. I can’t talk to them like I used to. When I get to share a secret, there’ll be a big possibility that their boyfriends would know about it too. It kind of messes more with my trust issues.
I’m friends with their boyfriends too. We go out together as a group and that’s okay too. And fun most of the time.
I just hope that I could still have my girl friends as a whole. Not just a part of a couple. Because that’s how I see it. Them and their boyfriends are one. And when I get to spend time with one of the pair, I get only a half of them.
I love them.
And they don’t realize that when I love, I give my whole self. My whole to each person that I love.
I just sometimes wish that they’re the same.
Because right now…I’m jealous.
And missing them…
Even though we see each other frequently.
I miss them.
I wonder if there is someone that really cares about me. A person outside my family of course. I wonder if there is someone that actually thinks about me. Someone that looks out for me even though I may not know about it. I wonder if someone is willing to do the things I’m willing, if I’m able, to do for the person I really care about.
I wonder if there is someone that is willing to make time for me even if it’s in short notice. I wonder if there is someone that would sacrifice for me. I wonder if there’s someone that would be happy if they see me happy even though they’re not happy themselves.
I watch out for the people I care about and protective over them. I wonder if someone feels the same way about me too. Not necessarily in a romantic way of course.
Somehow, knowing that someone cares about you, that someone thinks about you, that someone is attentive to your needs rather than their own, even though that someone is a friend, best friend or a lover, it doesn’t really matter who they are because you feel comfort. You feel safe. Even though they’re not physically present. Even though they’re far away. Because just knwowing is enough. Just knowing makes you feel warm. Just knowing doesn’t make you feel lonely anymore even when you’re alone.
I wish someone is like that to me. Because sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who really cares. A one-sided thing.