Words are Knives

 

One must always be careful of one’s words for it will not only be heard by the person who listens but it will remain in their minds and hearts too and it will be up to you if what you want to remain in them would be positive or negative. I hope most of us would choose to leave a positive influence to those we meet and that we do not harm them with our words.

Words are like knives. We may have heard about that before. We may find that statement a cliche but it wouldn’t be a cliche if it wasn’t true. They are like knives because knives can be used in a positive or in a negative way depending on the person who holds it. There are times when people who would use their knife to assist or to give convenience to other people. But there are those times too when the knife is used to hurt and harm other people.

How can words harm people? They are just words. They can’t inflict scratches on your skin, they can’t cut your flesh deeply…

Words may not affect us physically. But the emotional and mental effects it give us are vital to preserve our whole being. If we are to hear negative things about us, or to be told things that we find highly offensive, our thoughts would immediately alter and form new thoughts that will affect our next calculated actions so that we could cover up the imperfections that was pointed out about us. We become insecure. We lose our trust on other people and perhaps the worst of all, we lose trust on ourselves. We would start to think that we’re worthless, we are not enough and that maybe it would be better if we’re gone in this world. (Well, the last one’s a bit extreme, but in reality, there were really people who had gone as far as killing themselves because of the verbal abuse they’ve gone through).

One of the most relevant example is bullying. I’ve had my fair amount of experiences of being bullied when I was younger. It wasn’t as blunt as many of us have seen in the movies, or maybe it’s really like that in other places, but I haven’t experience that intense kind of bullying. The kind of being bullied that I experienced was the subtle kind. It crept  into my skin like a snake looking for a prey, it was definitely there but almost invisible. When it started to creep and started to affect me, it slowly sank into me. That was the part where everything became so dangerous and disturbing. I had a war inside of me. No one knew about it but me, and maybe that was the scariest thing of it all. I began to shrink. My self-esteem went tumbling down. I didn’t want to interact with people, except with my closest friends, because I thought that they would just make fun of me.

I felt I was weak, dumb and ugly. I felt that I didn’t have the right to stand beside those people because they were far above me. I felt so out of place. That was the truth. All of those were happening to me. But the thing was, I pretended that they didn’t matter, that they didn’t exist, that I was okay and that I was just playing along with them. Those people may never realize the effect they had on me. It may never come into their minds how much they’ve hurt me, how much they made me doubt myself so much.

When I went into college and found that some of them were in the same school that I went to, I felt a little scared, because I wanted a new life, I wanted a new beginning, I wanted to change myself, to transform and be a better version of myself. But at that time, I thought that the universe was against me. Why is my world so small? I thought. Why can’t I be free from them? 

I tried to ignore them and acted like their presence didn’t affect me whenever we came across the corridors. I tried to forget about them. I tried to move forward. But it seemed utterly impossible when I got to see them many times in a week. I think that I got so good in pretending that I almost believed myself. That was one thing I was scared of, I was almost losing myself. I didn’t change for myself, I changed for them and it wasn’t right.

The universe had its ways. Something happened that I ended up transferring into another university. As I think about it now, maybe that was the time when I became truly free from them. Maybe that was the break I needed, the freedom I craved for, for a long time. I don’t see them much anymore. I’m just reminded of them whenever I see their pictures on the social networking sites. But they don’t have that effect on me anymore. The anger I held on for so long had diminished through time as I realized that holding on to that anger and resentment will not do me any good. So I let go and kept moving forward.

Somehow I am thankful for that experience for I will not be as strong and sure about myself right now if it weren’t for their deeds that made me go through days that were full of doubts.

So for all those who are experiencing bullying or had an experience of being bullied, we are strong people for we get to carry that burden and still choose to continue to live everyday, despite. And I say to you that all shall pass. There will come a day that it will all be over. Just hold on, don’t give up and continue to be strong. You’ll never realize how strong you really are when the situation will require it. You may not know it, but you’ve got more strength that you thought you ever had.

Good days and great things will come. I tell you.

 

xx, K

Gray Skies and Scattered Rainshowers

You know that feeling when your heart feels heavier and heavier until you find it hard to breathe? That feeling when every move you make is painful, not physically but emotionally because your heart has pleaded your body to not move. That it’s better to just stay still because there would be only less pain.

Flashes in your mind on how you could kill yourself. Or to write letters in case you die anytime now.

But you keep yourself composed. You stay strong. Because when you get out of here, better days will be waiting. You try to stay positive. You try to distract yourself to forget. And for a second, you actually forget. But then it crashes all back to you like a large block of cement. And now you’re stuck.

 

I’m tired of your words constantly dragging me down,

constantly making me feel how worthless I am

constantly making me feel how I can’t be anything that I want to be.

I tried to be what you want me to be, but you still only see the wrong things. What about those things I’ve done right?

What about the things I’ve done good but you don’t know about because I don’t tell you because I just think that you don’t give a damn about me anymore.

I’m so tired of always tolerating you, as you tell me how much you’ve done for me and how did nothing for you.

I think that’s the problem. You forget.

Or maybe you remember but you choose to set it aside because you find it more satisfying that you prove yourself right every single time. That you’re right thinking that I’m selfish, worthless and lazy.

You even compare me to her who’s shown you all her high grades and told you that she’s in the top ten.

So you’re proud of her. You like her. No. You love her and she’s your favorite. Don’t deny it anymore because it’s too obvious.

You don’t even know how hard it is to be in school everyday and deal with people with lessons and professors. You don’t know how lonely I feel sometimes because there’s no one in that school who knows me really. You don’t know how good I’ve done in school. Youalways think that your life is harder than mine.

Let’s stops comparing here. Because my life is hard as it is. And in case you don’t see it, every person has a different kind of hard life. So don’t tell me your life is harder because you’ve never be me and I’d never be you. So stop.

You don’t know how hard it is to put a smile on my face and pretend that everything’s fine because if they’d know who much I’m shattered inside they might not want to hear the pathetic story and would casually change the subject and then I’d be pretending again that it’s fine but I really feel rejected deep inside. So that’s why I don’t tell them.

They don’t have to know.

And now…

I’m so done. I’m going to do the things I’m ought to do. And do the things I want to do for myself and not the the pathetic reason of pleasing you. I’m so tired of doing that. It’s slowly melting me to the ground until there will be nothing left of me. I’d stop this before I get to that point. I’m staying away from you. Less conversations if possible. One word answers. Nods. And gestures.

I think you’ve noticed how I’ve been sleeping a lot. Eating less. Reading more. Staying in my room most of the time. And not talking to you. You’ve noticed.

I know you do because you’re treating me nicely. You talk to me as if you really care. Maybe you do. But I feel that you don’t most of the time. So stop the act. Because if it’s trying to make me feel okay, it’s not. If you’re trying to reach out, I’m backing further away. If you’re trying to make me tell you what’s wrong, I’d never tell you what’s wrong.

If I tell you, what would you do about it? Would it change you? I don’t think so.

Would it make you realize how we’re different from each other? NO. Because you think that if it’s not your way, it’s the wrong way.

It doesn’t work like that.

It doesn’t mean that if I come from you, we’d be identical.

Again. It doesn’t work like that.

You think you’ve done the things that you do for my own good.

But look what you’ve done to me. Take a look and actually see me.

 

xx