I wonder if there is someone that really cares about me. A person outside my family of course. I wonder if there is someone that actually thinks about me. Someone that looks out for me even though I may not know about it. I wonder if someone is willing to do the things I’m willing, if I’m able, to do for the person I really care about.
I wonder if there is someone that is willing to make time for me even if it’s in short notice. I wonder if there is someone that would sacrifice for me. I wonder if there’s someone that would be happy if they see me happy even though they’re not happy themselves.
I watch out for the people I care about and protective over them. I wonder if someone feels the same way about me too. Not necessarily in a romantic way of course.
Somehow, knowing that someone cares about you, that someone thinks about you, that someone is attentive to your needs rather than their own, even though that someone is a friend, best friend or a lover, it doesn’t really matter who they are because you feel comfort. You feel safe. Even though they’re not physically present. Even though they’re far away. Because just knwowing is enough. Just knowing makes you feel warm. Just knowing doesn’t make you feel lonely anymore even when you’re alone.
I wish someone is like that to me. Because sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who really cares. A one-sided thing.
And now I let go of these feelings. It will be damn hard. But I will try. And I will succeed. I’ve done this before. It’s the only thing I’ve been doing when in comes to my own lovelife. Getting over someone I never eve dated.
But I bet it’s way less harder than those legit relationships. I never had that before. Maybe that’s why I protect myself. Maybe that’s why I instinctively push them away and not give them a chance. I recoil whenever I see a potential of it growing into something more. I stay away. I don’t trust at all.
Because when I was younger and naïve, I believed that if you are loyal to people , they would be too. So I trusted. I got disappointed. I got betrayed. I got hurt. I as expecting too much from people.
So now I know. Never let them in. Control. Only let them see what I want them to see.
But there are others, my closest friends could see beyond what I let them. And I’m scared. It’s scary to know that someone could read you. That someone knows that you grin all the time when you’re with the person you like.
It’s scary because I become vulnerable. And being vulerable means I have the possibility of being hurt or being betrayed again. Sometimes, I just force myelf and make myself believe that O trust them so that I on’t worrying all the time with them tellings my secrets and all and make fun of me.
So now, I’ve decided that I won’t care. That I won’t give a f*ck anymore. I’ve suffered enough mentally by over thinking. I’m just tired. Tired.