A Single’s Mind

Am I already called asexual if my idea of having a relationship or having a boyfriend will just be holding hands, kissing( not much of this even), hugging, watching movies, sitting in silence, talking about Game of Thrones or whatever movies or tv series we watch, and not have sex, foreplay, and whatever overly intimate deeds that most couple now a days do? 

I’m just wondering. Because I’m the only one in the group who doesn’t have a boyfriend and not fond of the idea of being overly intimate to one’s partner. My friends already had their experiences. I’m open minded about their experiences. We could have these conversations– sex talks, and who kissed who during our sleepover and the like but the idea of me doing it somehow disgusts me. It seems normal to them but not to me. 

And now one friend thinks about setting me up with someone so that I could have a someone.

Can’t I just be single? Alone? and happy? and free?

I mean, I feel lonely sometimes and wonder what it would feel like to have a boyfriend but the thought of my boyfriend asking me to have sex with him immediately appalls me. So I’d rather be single than do that. And because of that, I think now that all guys would ask for more from their girlfriends. So not until a guy comes that would assure that he will hold and suppress his ‘manly urges’ because that’s how he loves me? I would remain single. 

For me, a man that has self-control is more admirable that a man that’s proud because he had been with many girls. 

xx

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Things People do for Love

“If you love me….” The guy would say to the girl. Of course, the girl would feel the pressure. She would think that the only way she could prove that she loves him so much is to make love with him. So she permits it. She does it with him. And then, did that guarantee that you would be together forever? How can you be sure that he really loves you? Is sex the measurement of love? How does sex proves the amount of love you have for your partner?

These questions are often in my mind whenever I hear or see people do things that aren’t rational and outside the scope of good morals and logic, in the name of Love. Why? I ask to myself with dibelief. Why are they able to do that? I mean, I don’t judge those people who chooses to have sex prior to marriage. Okay that’s your thing, I won’t mind. But what about those people who are somehow forced to do that because someone wants them to prove how much they love them?

Don’t you see how unfair that is? Can’t I show my love for my special someone without making love with him? Without doing a lot of physical stuff with him? Without lust, in general?
For me, I would really consider it True Love if a man is able to resist his urges and abstain because of the reason I’m not willing to do those stuff with him. For me, it’s true love if he respects my decisions and doesn’t force me into having sex with him just to prove how much I love him.

Call me old school. Traditional. Lame or kill joy. I don’t care. I want my man that way. I want our relationship to be deeper than the physical relationship some couples have. I want us to be bound emotionally, menatally and spiritually. To be able to talk without getting bored with each other. To be in silence together without feeling awkward. To be best friends that we would do crazy things and to do YOLO things together. To be able to care and encourage and love each other. To complement each other and not overlap. Physically, will come when I get married to him. When we’re ready to have a family. When we do it because we are one in purpose to bring a new life in this world.

This may be too idealistic to be true and to actually happen to me. But I’m waiting. I’ll be waiting. Because I know, and I believe he will come. And when I find him, when he finds me…we’ll know right away that we have just found each other.

Xx