When You’re the Single One

It has been a long time since I’ve spend a day with my girl friends. A fun day, full of bonding and just us girls. Without their boyfriends.

I am the only girl in our group who doesn’t have a boyfriend (never had). I’m not bitter about having none. I’m okay with it. I’m fine being alone. And I embrace my independence.

But I just miss those times when I get to bond with my girl friends. Talk about girl stuff and share secrets without their boyfriends lurking around or clinging beside the or the worst of all…taking their attention off me.

I think I’m jealous of their boyfriends. I can’t talk to them like I used to. When I get to share a secret, there’ll be a big possibility that their boyfriends would know about it too. It kind of messes more with my trust issues.

I’m friends with their boyfriends too. We go out together as a group and that’s okay too. And fun most of the time.

I just hope that I could still have my girl friends as a whole. Not just a part of a couple. Because that’s how I see it. Them and their boyfriends are one. And when I get to spend time with one of the pair, I get only a half of them.

I love them.
And they don’t realize that when I love, I give my whole self. My whole to each person that I love.

I just sometimes wish that they’re the same.

Because right now…I’m jealous.

And missing them…

Even though we see each other frequently.

I miss them.

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A Single’s Mind

Am I already called asexual if my idea of having a relationship or having a boyfriend will just be holding hands, kissing( not much of this even), hugging, watching movies, sitting in silence, talking about Game of Thrones or whatever movies or tv series we watch, and not have sex, foreplay, and whatever overly intimate deeds that most couple now a days do? 

I’m just wondering. Because I’m the only one in the group who doesn’t have a boyfriend and not fond of the idea of being overly intimate to one’s partner. My friends already had their experiences. I’m open minded about their experiences. We could have these conversations– sex talks, and who kissed who during our sleepover and the like but the idea of me doing it somehow disgusts me. It seems normal to them but not to me. 

And now one friend thinks about setting me up with someone so that I could have a someone.

Can’t I just be single? Alone? and happy? and free?

I mean, I feel lonely sometimes and wonder what it would feel like to have a boyfriend but the thought of my boyfriend asking me to have sex with him immediately appalls me. So I’d rather be single than do that. And because of that, I think now that all guys would ask for more from their girlfriends. So not until a guy comes that would assure that he will hold and suppress his ‘manly urges’ because that’s how he loves me? I would remain single. 

For me, a man that has self-control is more admirable that a man that’s proud because he had been with many girls. 

xx